Ebhrebady Tak Like Thhiss

My recent trip to Banaras (Varanasi / Kashi) got me knowing that “Ebhrebady in Banaras tak like this”. Imagine Marylyn Brando chewing on a Banaras pan and saying “I will make them an offer they can’t refuse”. Now add heavy, no, very heavy Hindi accent to the same phrase and attempt to say it while chewing 2 pans and think that you have had the pan for the first time in your entire life and don’t know what to do with the spit so you keep it in your mouth until you figure it out what to do with the same, and then say “I bill make them an offher, they cain not refhuse”. Say it twice to get a ring. Now fall off your seat laughing. The spit will be gulped automatically. 

                This was my experience in Banaras when I stayed there for two whole days. It was amazing. I thoroughly enjoyed it. People there are very helpful and try to dupe you of every penny you have on you, helpful nonetheless. But they are not like those fuckers in Delhi who are not helpful at all and yet try to dupe you of your every single penny. Is there a fucking “Chutiya” written on my forehead or what?

                Furthermore, the roads are an utter chaos. If you have ever seen people drive in Pune, then multiply the same by 37.8 times and the result is traffic in Banaras. Roads are more like gallis and are filled with jaywalkers, cycles, cycle rickshaws, cows, rickshaws, vehicles, hand cart pullers, 2 wheelers, 4 wheelers, trucks and tempos and if still some space is left, hawkers. The rickshaws having capacity “3 idiots” are filled with minimum 6 idiots excluding the nut holding the steering. And I kid not, everyone is honking. It’s like pressing horns are going to get them salvation, as if it was a city pass time. Hence the term, Horn ok please.  I repeat every one. Cows are mooing too. The people I asked why they honked so much, he said it was to make other people listen and give side. But no one listens and hence everyone honks. Solid logic. Most roads are ram shackled and are hence known as Mayawati roads. The flights are good though. They frequent Mumbai. Shoe shopping you know. 

                Then I went on to the temple that Kashi / Banaras is famous for world over. The kashi Vishwanath ji temple. Dhatura fruits and Bhang is sold in front of the cops there. Eat that NDPS and Narco Cops. I stood in line and waited for divinity to engulf me. Over 20 Sadhus were chanting Om Namah Shivay in a resonant voice. That floored me completely. I started chanting too. The spirituality was short lived as the Prasad I had bought to offer to Lord and bring back home was stolen by freaking monkeys. Monkeys are known to steal Prasadam over there. Don’t yell out loud - if your husband’s name is Prasad. He might be taken and there would be so much that Liam Néeson could do. I almost bowed down to the lord and the fucking police rushed me out. Police sucks all over the world. I do not understand why social animals with lesser intelligence are allowed to handle matters that are crucial to society’s security. Alas. I also bought some chanting CDs which have pundits chanting Shiva Tandav Stortras and Rudra stotras. It’s bound to give goose bumps guaranteed. 

                From there on, I went on to Ganga ghat to get the feel. Not to forget I first bought paans. They have a queer style of making a paan. They put only katha & chuna and then give supari separately. What the fuck is that? This is like a software company selling you program in two different USB devices and then asking you to use both of them at the same time to allow the program to run. When I tried to show him the logic behind this absurdity, he said, he never thought over it actually. Must be a sales guy, there are exceptions to such sales guys tough. My jijaji is one. :)

                Okay so now on to the holiest river bank. I knew what I had to do. I got a tie. I tied it on my forehead. Ate 2 pans and started singing and dancing “chora Ganga Kinarewala”.  That’s when I started hearing Ram nam satya hai and over 5 corpses were brought to the ghat in line. What a downer. But that’s also the one of the reasons the ghat is famous for. Moksha. One dip in the river and you are freed from the eternal time cycle that a human is subjected to, owing to his karma passbook. And God’s auditors are bloody similar to the ones on earth. Fuckers don’t give any margin. Auditors are auditors. Banaras people pride on that too, they think the guy, Chitra-Gupta is from Banaras.  But nonetheless, this “antim sanskar” thing knocked me out of my Allahabad-ic euphoria and brought me back to reality. 

                Most of guys I met in Banaras told me one thing with pride that UP people learn politics in their mother’s womb. Not that I think it’s somehow insult to one’s mother. Especially when Krishna is known as epitome of politics and he had two. Irony No. 1. Furthermore, politics has got more to do with maintenance (Lord Vishnu) and looking at the infrastructure in UP, I must say that it is Irony no. 2. But nonetheless, since being in politics one does politics, then technically, when they say they know and do politics, I do not believe them. You get the drift right. 

                But, this was a fun trip and food was awesome. Chats, Khasta kachoris, Shahi Kachoris and what not. I loved every bit of my stay and would love to visit there back again for sure. If I have hurt sentiments of UP people by this post then please pardon me. I am just an observer. Don’t shoot the messenger. I did not mean to hurt any feelings.

Bhaiya aisa nahi hai. Wink wink.