Sporadic April 1st Madness - Fool of a Took.

American financial Quarter ending, Indian Year ending, month ending, Maharashtraian New year…An add linking all this on the lines of those awkward adds, ‘Is it that time of the month?’ should be created to take some stress away from people; Issued in public interest.

In our land, the cultural one, we have evolved from respecting and worshiping the beauty and admiring it – the Khajuraho temple types to sheepishly scurrying into the kitchen when such adds or allegedly ‘inappropriate’ scene, so aesthetically conveyed in ‘Jhumma Chumma Dey Dey’, (This song always reminded me of Shobha Dey, I don’t know why? Probably because of the – allegedly-pompous-intellectually-stimulating-empty-cranium-rattling vocabulary used) appears on screen.

This is a direct result of Harrapa and Mohenjodaro people starting the cultural identity protection drive, later to be known as The Moral Police. You must have started to wonder what co-relation this rambling has got to do with the title of this post – April fool. Well, that’s how April Fools day evolved. A day to commemorate the people behind the protection drive was initiated in the community on first day in the month of Ram & Bull (Aries & Taurus logo). Their posters were put up across all the streets. Organizer’s smaller mug shot versions occupied minimum 25% of the posters.

Homo sapiens’s evolution has come a long way and so have fools and their felicitation, on this day. A lot of countries have their financial year endings on March 31^st and rightly so. Once the tax is deducted, what becomes of a Hard working middle class man is a below poverty line fool, almost. Our govt. also gifts us a small card to celebrate our foolishness – PAN card. Incidentally Thesaurus describes Genus Pan as Chimpanzees.  In neo-political-power-broking-Swiss bank-account-holder’s dictionary, it simply means that PAN card holders are Darwinian primates, and our govt. makes it mandatory to be one.

No wonder, thus, that such a great jubilation of our personal diminished resources is carried out in the month of Ape-reel-under-financial-bondage. The very basis of having a fool’s day in month of April – a month sharing two zodiac signs: Aries and Taurus (symbolized by Sheep and Bull) is a discriminating act in itself. Both of them are herbivores and clearly are ranked low in the food chain. I would have further added that they are also considered low intelligence animals, but, I am afraid the Arieans and Taureans might stampede me to my death. Hence, I refrain from doing that.

We get whole day to rejoice in our absurd stupidities and mock and prod each other…speaking of stupidities, the bug caught me unawares in the closing days of March itself, I found my self stranded, with a broke down car and not enough cash near the first toll plaza on Mumbai-Pune Expressway. The emotional swings in such situations fluctuate from exclamation to anger to hating the car to laughing on my own idiocy. It felt like being a pregnant lady. And I had already eaten up all the ‘Achaar’ and ‘parathas’ mom had given me for the intended journey. Damn.

But heck, that was the time I truly admired architectural marvel that a toll plaza is during the sunset time. Cars were slowly moving; randomly opening and closing toll gates; traffic police scouting around for easy money from heavy vehicles. The watchman gave me a car repairer’s number and he received 50 bucks from that Car repairer, which car repairer charged me. So yes, I now thoroughly understand the shady economics of toll plazas; all tax Free. Now you know why I felt like an idiot.

Reverting back to the topic, the government’s subtle ways of letting us know that they are April fooling us is so evident from two things, first take all 33% cash that ‘Aam Admi’ has and then celebrate their tiresome efforts the next month on May 1^st and call it an international Labor Day. Pure evil these rulers are, I say. No poke on Facebook is so malevolent than mocking and secretively letting them know that they have been mocked.

Now that you know what all constitutes this one single day, I think I am going to let the politicians who come to campaign at our place know that I know, subtly or otherwise.

Politician – “Sir, Please vote for us”

Me: “Indeed I will, I know I am a fool”

Politician: “That’s nonsense, don’t underestimate yourself, you are a part of the system.”

Me: “Err, Sir What about Govinda, Abhi-Neta.”

Politician: “He epitomizes our system and voter mentality.”

Me: “Wicked, Sir.”

Politician: “Thank you.”

 

My dearest friends, family, readers of this blog and to all the people of free India, Happy April Fool’s Day; lets all raise a toast and shove it down the campaigning politician’s throat, as anyways our butter has been taxed. Might as well lose the toast; burnt one at that.

***Do Vote in upcoming elections.***

 

   

Na(i)No Barsenge!

Tata Motors reported that Jeetendra has booked number of Nanos in all the existing colors. Not because his political career never took off. But, because he is a ‘Himmatwala’, who wants to woo his muse of yesteryears Jaya Prada, whose political career is booming. She is the same Prada that Devil wears and Japanese Motor Giants named their SUV Prado after. They just wanted to sound macho, hence the ‘O’.

Jeetendra took the car for a test ride and thought this was the ideal car, he was reported as singing his smash hit song, using the steering wheel as his most famous prop, ‘Dafali’ – Nano mein sapna, Sap(Na)No mein sajna…Well by applying basic mathematics theory, it can be deduced that Nano pe dil aa gaya.

Ekta decides to make a black comedy Gujarati film on the hula boo over the car manufacturers bidding Tata to Kolkata and coming into Gujarat. She intends to call it “Key Nano Mari Car Che.” Tushar Kapoor, but naturally, is the lead hero for the film and he does not play dumb (now that will require his entire acting prowess) in the movie. He cajoles his heroine, Sakshi Tanwar (Ex Parvati Bhabhi) over six Nano cars all at once, singing and dancing all the while. A special horn will be fitted in all the cars that go *Ding Dong Ding Bole* rather than the basic peep peep.

The end scene, to be shot over a period of 21 minutes (zooming on Tushar, then on Nano, again on Tushar, cycle continues the entire time) showing Tushar Kapoor all wealthy and mighty politician, dressed and looking like Che Guevara thundering in a voice that Sunny Deol and Sunil Shetty would be scared of: “Hoon Che,” “NaNo Che” “Aur Meri Tanhayi Che” (apparently Parvati Bhabhi has been killed by a haunted Nano ala Tarzan the wonder car style)…until tushar finds the killer car; until the everlasting victory.

Karan Johar chucked the plan to make a movie on the same lines as apparently he could not put a value of SRK on paper, he thought SRK was like a Share (equity), with unlimited premium loading on a random Face value. Err. SRK will co-produce a movie with Kjo and both are supposed to dance upon Nano on the lines of Chaiya Chaiya…”Is Car Car mein hum tum kare dhamaal!”

RTO wants to put ban on Nano running on Mumbai streets because they feel that all the rickshaw wallahs will buy this amazing piece of car and use it to ferry people. They, further, might charge people randomly and call it Nano-Meter, err.

People happy with Nano rolling out on the streets and now they can fulfill their dreams of owning a car. Tata is eyeing and vying that rural market will explode with Nano like mushroom farming and wineries did some years ago. Let’s see what future has in store, until then, its Nano Time. 

Blog featuring in JAM magazine.

My clubjam blog, P.J.Boy is being featured in their magazine. 

Do buy a copy JAM and read about my one year stint in Pune. 

I also get a Nivea goodies bag. Yippeeee!!

Only young die young and the evil seems to live forever!

While the title seems to be inspired from Iron maiden's song "Only the good die young", the thought behind this post isn't. The recent 'breaking news' that garnishes our spicy media are "21 year old raped by her dad" and "19 year old Aman Khachroo dies after allegedly being lynched, err, Ragged they said. 

When did healthy ragging, used as fun way of understanding juniors, take such a sinister and ugly turn? Well, if you do some research over Google and read the stories here...it seems it’s prevalent since ever.  From juniors being asked to piss on live wire (naked wire with electricity passing through it) -  to outright humiliation in terms of beating the crap out of juniors and asking them to do the daily chores, including washing undergarments. The stories date back to as early as first university of the world at Bodh Gaya, known as Magadha University. 

Kaamasutra, some say, is a horrific tale of juniors being subjugated to sexual harassment by seniors. The expressionless faces of statues at Khajuraho temples are evidence to same; Vatsyayana (writer of Kama sutra) was a rebel student, history reminisces.

The issue (Ragging) has never been given enough coverage nor has it been taken seriously by College authorities, often owned by big politicians or by trusts, which are run by big politicians. It affects the college’s reputation they say. The condition in Govt. Colleges is plainly appalling, as no one gives a damn anyways.

I remember a local friend who was ragged in our engineering college. The dude came back next day with two truck loads of punks who beat the crap out of the entire classes of 2^nd, 3^rd and 4^th year-ites. We greased our palms as well in this ordeal. It was chaos in college and hostels. He was not rusticated as he belonged to an influential family and we loved every part of it. Our batch was considered like Mars, God of War. I think those who rag, including professors who are unnaturally difficult on students should be subjected to such fate.

 

No wonder my room mate from mechanical engineering devised a crude rocket launcher in the first three months of his stay in hostel itself. He used a cement sewer pipe as a launcher; the rocket comprised a packed tin with all the explosive ingredients extracted from Diwali fire-crackers. His idea to avert a ragging attack was to blow the seniors to smithereens and rightly so.

 So what are the ways that students can actually evade ragging?

 

1.    As juniors and especially in hostel, always move around in a mob cutting across faculty.

2.    Know you wardens and Rectors, be nice to them and always keep them informed about happenings in the hostel. People might think you are a snitch, but ^&%K that I say, being alive is more important.

3.    Keep a hockey stick and baseball bat (no illegal to keep) always handy around.

4.    If seniors are known to be wielding Desi Kattas (country revolvers); arrange for a 303 bore rifle from neighborhood and carry that, always…what, you think I am kidding? If you are going in a college where seniors carry guns, they are probably goons and from the face of it, it speaks oodles about the state in which you are, and procuring a gun is definitely a child’s play, err, teens play.

5.    Like my friend did, work on a rocket launcher, you don’t have to actually make it. Just let the seniors know you are. It can have backfiring effect though (Not the launcher, the situation). So be cautious.

6.    Always carry a basic model of mobile phone; the seniors might take away jazzy phones to use for a month or two. Keep emergency numbers stored at top in contact list, in any difficult situation, just dial it and let the people at the other end know.

7.    Wear very simple clothes, the more you look funky, the more you are prone to the onslaught.

 

Well, these are only some of the few points I came up with, or rather, lived by during my days in hostel for the first couple of months. But then, that was the time India also went to war in Kargil and that’s when it hit us (first year hostel gang) that the best form of defense is actually offence and that’s how we began on our rampage mission in mobs, we actually ragged the seniors who tried to come to rag us. It was not mere tit for tat, we bitch-slapped them to their requiem. Next time a senior walks by you give them a cold look and say, “If you even dream of ragging us, you better wake up and apologize”, okay that was Mohammed Ali’s quote, but still works just fine.

********All the students who have succumbed to evils of Ragging, I pay them homage. May they all rest in peace.******************

Wa-©ommercials.

"Panch Rupiye ka ek packet, Dus ka teen.”

The dude was selling ‘Dambar ka goli’ (Naphathalene Balls). I was in a dilemma. I had never seen naphthalene balls being sold so cheap in a Mumbai local train before. The guy was breaking all records, probably ‘man-dee’ (slowdown) effect as they called. From pens to male energy tablets, you name it and they sell it in the local trains these days.

There exists an entirely different domain of print ad media houses that rakes in moolah by making some of the craziest ads for weirdest of products that you may come across, in transit on western, central and harbor local train lines.

My initial recessionary reaction was to ignore these ads and the products as some cheap wares, but, the market and the potential therein was huge…Lacs of people travel throughout the day in these very trains. The thing about local trains is that all your 5, and sometimes 6; senses are gruesomely put to test. From smell of ‘rai ka tel’ to touching the unclean slits of the door and not to forget the constant vibrations that trains induce upon us, which leaves us shaken – not stirred; just to be alive and reach destination. Whoever said happiness was a way of travel and not destination of course never moved around in a Mumbai local, or, god forbid if he/she interfered in between a Blueline bus and its destination in Delhi, alas, his/her epitaph would read the same!

What comes to rescue then are the colorful printed adverts posted on the walls. Laugh at them, relate to them or solve your problems. Did you know that Baba Bangali actually pays service tax? Okay, that was a joke.

And then it hit me, like a yogi realizes about life, I found a way to make money in recession. If adopted and implemented, I wondered if I could rake in some FDIs as well. Clearly from the look of so many adverts on the train walls, a lot of people were definitely responding and buying these goods. But behold, I market my products to those people who do not want to buy the products, my creations are antidotes to the antidotes sold/marketed in trains. How? Let me explain with my catalogue… 

1.    Nasha Mukti Kendra sey Mukti: “Sharab Pilaye Sharab chhudaney vale ko bina bataye” –

While some people connive to keep you away from poison of your choice, we help you keep such people away from you. Our patented Litmus papers instantly turn red if there is any medicine in your food, which makes you puke if you have a beer or two. Priced at meager Rs.5 per 6 soap paper sized litmus papers, now you can enjoy that drink you craved!

 

2.    Be 40 Tablets:

While some men can’t cope up with their age and want to be 18 till they die, there are those who abhor it. At 40, all they want to be is responsible and not fill their Rag Rag, with masti ka toofan. Our tablets, of course patented, successfully help you remain to be 40. After all, man is a social animal and not a sexual beast. We understand your urge to be responsible and mature and to hate Salman Khan for all the good reasons, apparently. 10 tablets priced modestly at only Rs. 7!

3.    Be yourself pills:

While some men are bugged by the ‘male enhancement pills’ spam mail, we help you regain your confidence by who you are and what you are, irrespective of your ‘size’. All some people need is ‘enhancement’ of their pay packages and annual CTCs rather than you know what. After 8 hours of madness in the office and 3 crazed hours of travelling, all they care about is satisfying their ‘boss’, literally, which is not a metaphor for ‘you know what’. 50 tablets pack rated Rs. 30. A tad costly considering we help in behavior alteration that not even Sigmund Freud could successfully implement.

Our catalog boasts of lot of other products that have been created just to make sure that you do not have to alter your lifestyle to get that change in your life. From non masaledar masalas to help prevent piles, fissures and fistulas to interactive problem solving online chat...our products and services are aimed at rather pro-actively preventing the ailment than to find a  diagnosis. We have also tried to venture into the niche market of politics and politicians but have pathetically failed in our testing phase with rats, rabbits and monkeys.

So there you go. I have found a new way to make money and am pretty optimistic of its results. While I somehow also try to find a way to get into main stream media and sell overpriced talcum powders and fairness creams to people from the land of tropics, I hope you like my company’s products and place orders as and where you require. Call us on 1-800-900-2001202-WACO PRODUCTS or send us an sms WACO at 231232.

Customer hamara Bhagwan hai…Yeh 10 Rs. ka sab problem solver taweez hum muft denge hamare products ke sath!

Locket Courtesey

Wait - Mein Qatar mein hoon.

Whenever I hear this word; I go back eons into BR Chopra's Mahabharata, where eternal Swiss quartz Samay bellows - Main Samay Hoon, aur abhi Intezar kar rahan hoon. What? Time, waiting?

As a cynic I can not stop giggling about this infinite irony, but, as an Indian growing up in the shackled 80s, liberal 90s and (adjective needed) millennia; wait has been a part and parcel of reality. For us, it actually begins from the womb itself. Pre-sex determination days for female child were far better than boy child as there were 75% chances that girls could actually survive the ghar ka chirag onslaught.

For a part of generation that grew up in part socialist, part capitalist scenario - waiting has taken new dimensions and has diversified in many different areas, yet, always inclusive of the ever green "Sadak, Pani aur Bijli". Heck, we practically studied Murphy’s Law and corollary of ‘The other line always moves faster and if we change lines, the one we were originally in, moves faster.’

We bowel numbingly understood how length of a minute depends, indeed on ‘which side of the bathroom door we were on.’ Movie tickets, train passes, bus tickets, water, ration, restaurants, hospitals, circuses, voting and what not. We stood in line, doing nothing except for screaming at people, who tried to get ahead in manners considered an abomination, where a whole nation stood in line some or the other time. The slang ‘Line Marna’ was thus derived from standing in line/queues and killing time by looking at and trying to impress beautiful girls, who, owing to reasons as I have mentioned above are in dearth and a rare specie.

But this write-up is not a random rant that I usually indulge in and so lovingly crave. By means of this entry, I will impart the plethora of resources I have attained during 14 years of waiting in queues (that’s half of my life). Ways to ethically cut the queue and get to first position. Now this is a tricky task, as tricky as India – Pak bilateral talks, as sometimes it can lead up to mindless violence, if not done skillfully and covertly.

The Red Light effect:
Before you jump to conclusion and think prostitution will take you anywhere other than becoming the infamous Balbir Pasha (now that’s a funny name), you are wrong. Try to get your hands on a VVIP visiting card or get one printed for yourself (if you are that cool) from your uncle’s friend’s brother in law’s ex-wife’s father’s step brother, who dwelled in higher echelons during his heydays. A card with govt. seal on it would be a boon. And voila! Flash it everywhere you go in conjunction with “Janta nahi main kaun hoon?” But beware, as this question should always be asked with certain arrogance and oodles of superiority complex lest ye be trashed by aam junta to purple blue. This process might remove that alleged blue blood from your system forever.

The Vile Bile effect:
This is my favorite, it not only helps you to get ahead in queue but it can also help you get window seats in any mode of transportation. All you have to do is make a nauseated face, whenever in queue. Attempt you are trying to refrain some stuff coming all the way from your stomach – up to your mouth. Having a barf bag / plastic bag ready is an added advantage. Cough some small amount into the bag for that ‘effect’. And see how crowd disperses hither and thither. You may also ask the person standing in front of you, if its lunch time. Never indulge in conversation with person standing behind you, no matter what. He might be attempting the same thing that you are.

The Dharam Sunny Lingo:
An average Indian, including me, thoroughly believes in honest hard work - the ‘Khoon Pasina” thingy. When we start hearing psycho babble in part Dharmendra, part Sunny paji and quarters Abhay paji (pun intended) of some one drinking some one’s khoon for no apparent reason, we are scared. Honestly I have never tried this trick to scream at top of my lungs in a line, “kutto kamino mein tumhara khoon pi jaunga”, but, a dear friend did scream “Balwant Rai key kutte” and saw the dude buying tickets running towards the entrance. Hence this idea. It might work. Try at your own risk.

The Gokhle uncle trick:
Our Gokhle uncle, flat 13, B wing used to take his entire family and 3or 4 kids from the colony to any event and all of us stood in random lines, as and where needed and required. The person who reached the window first, got a chocolate for his luck and deeds. A genuine ethical way, who had thought Gokhle Uncle would incentive-ise standing in queues. He is the owner of an online ticket booking site now :)

If you feel these modes are unethical and wish to avert standing in queues, yet, at the same time feel proud of your waiting associations in past, you can migrate to a Middle Eastern country and call your mom: “Haan Maa Haan, Tera Beta tax free Qatar mein Hai!” Mom might feel his kalmuha Puttar is watching a tax free cinema first day first show on a Jhumma, but what the heck, Queue Nahi?

Twisted Tales I: The Hare and Tortoise Story.

This is the first from the part of the series of old moral stories that I have used to create short new ones, which are more relevant in today’s times. Hope they are a god read.

Once upon a time there was a Hare and a Tortoise; they both worked in a multinational. The tortoise used to feel envious of Hare as he used to get better bonuses and promotions in appraisals. Why? Because, even though tortoise was slow and steady (accurate and reliable), he lacked productivity and speed, which were Hare’s strong areas. The manager also noticed that with some motivational pep talk and leadership training, hare used to be accurate and reliable for varying amounts of time.

The manager applied “optimum utilization of resources and restructuring at grass roots level theory”, a management jargon for divide and rule method and infused seeds of hatred among them. The result: an open declaration of war amongst hare and tortoise. Soon there was going to be an internal job promotion and both decided to RUN for it. While Hare had already started to suck up to managers and senior managers, he was not a favorite amongst his peers due to his flamboyance. Tortoise thought it was unethical to bootlick all the way to top and was a favorite amid his peers, owing to his principles and good relations.

Both had strengths of equal magnitude, complementing each other’s. Their management skills were par exemplar, yet, they both had different way of working and getting things done. While one was a go getter who took decisions on his gut feelings; the other was a steady and old school thinker, took his time and went by the books, did his SWOT for all decisions. One invested in equity, the other invested in debts. At the end, they would both grow, but the rise would be directly proportional to the way they related to and worked towards Organization’s vision and mission.

Hare took keen interest in operations and day to day smooth functioning of the company and used to study this after his work. He always tried to brain storm with select few friends over business strategy and new management ideas. He revered the company policies as if the “Geeta/Ramayan” and he thought that ancient chant “Hare Rama Hare Krishna” was a direct reference to him…alas his calculated illusion stemmed from the fact that Lord Vishnu’s second avatar was that of a Koorma = Tortoise. He (lord Vishnu) did not descend on earth, not even once, as a hare/rabbit.  Corporate envy can make one stoop to such levels or dig in deep to meaningfully affirm one’s identity as considered noble and virtuous, citing mythological references. The business head thus: usually ala RAVAN with 10 faces thinks he is the ‘Dashavatar’ (Lord Vishnu’s all 10 incarnations).

On the other hand, Tortoise took keen interest in understanding the finances of the company, his areas of pursuit were in mechanizations, standardizations, cost cutting, automation, a technical brain with inclination towards finance. Sadly, since he had just scored above average marks in his grade 12^th (remember he is not good with speed). He could not pursue the coveted “IIT-M” and “IIM-A” tags. His dissatisfaction towards Hare’s way of working was his complete ethical disregard to the employee morale, a difference like in Tata’s and Reliance…both are loved and hated for different reasons and by different people, having their own perspectives.  

Both faired well in the internal rounds starting from aptitude, attitude, Group Discussion and Personal Interview rounds. While they waited eagerly for the results, most of the people across the company knew both would be promoted, but, where and how?

The results came in…sweets were bought and offered to all. Hare was shifted into marketing department as a manager and tortoise was shifted in human resources as a manager. A strange result you may think so, as did they both. But power is directly proportional to hunger and has a ugly history of routing the ones below in wrong directions, co-incidentally or otherwise. Both are happy with their promotions and are learning the new tricks of the departments, one slowly and steadily, while the other as fast as one can. Life goes on…they are not thinking of a switch as the markets are bad and recession can ruin their careers.

 

Moral of the Story:

It does not matter whether you are slow and steady or fast and furious. Like Credit Card Company’s hidden charges, visions of the corporate entities have an implied meaning hinting towards ‘profitability’. If you can understand that and work accordingly towards “vision” of the company…success will be an incentive rather than a milestone.