#WTF Ranting Indian Series 6!

Recently I had been to a fancy pub with my friends. Yes, of course, after being duly permitted by my wife, Salman Khan's family's drivers and Maharashtra Government in general. We all got comfortable at the bar and we ordered for whiskeys. And they did this: 

What the fuck is wrong with the bartenders man. It took 10 mins to pour the bloody whiskey and ice. I mean  its cool to do this when you are alone in your house and want to amuse your self, but when a man orders his Jack Daniels with crushed ice, give him the damn thing. Plain and simple. No need to give him a fucking crash course in distillation process, while you are at it. I mean, whats the point in all this. The nukkad ka baniya dosen't fuck around with sugar like this when I order a kilo of it just to improve sales now, does he? Grow up bartenders. Tend the bar. Don't make a circus out of it. They don't call you Bar-Trapezist or Bar-acrobats. Stick to the Bar-MITZVAH. Pun intended. All I ordered for was a large peg. Did not mean to make the process LARGE. Just make the freaking peg large and hand it over man. Everything has been turned into a show business. Stop the bloody ACROBATICS. 

And what the fuck is wrong with the fucking cursing happening on screen in the fucking films man. Pardon the profanity, its the Character's requirement. It's not like calling a chutiya a chutiya in a film is akin to calling a spade a spade. You can call them Kamaal R Khan. Collectively. I sincerely feel that profanities should be restricted to Rock shows alone. I somehow can not digest films with so much fuckery. 

Speaking of Acrobatics, what the fuck is with this new in thing that all films try to incorporate in their chases these days. Parkour or Free Running as they call it. If you are alien to the concept here is a short clip to enlighten you. 

What the fuck is wrong with you guys man. Can't you simply run. Run like normal people do. And they call it Evolution. Darwin derived that Humans evolved from Apes. With the monkey like acrobatics that these nincompoops do, I think Darwin would be proved right practically. Its not fucking evolution, its going back to YOUR roots nitwits. Just look at the guy who holds that pole and somehow completely turns parallel to the ground. Its not the kind of polls that Chetan Bhagat holds these days. But their I.Q is proportional to each other it seems. By that, I meant the pole and Chetan Bhagat. 

Anyways, where would Chetan Bhagat be in an F1 Race? Poll Position. Ok bad joke. 

That's it folks for today's rants. Much more will come later. Hope your are as upset as I am with the nitwittery going on in this world. Share some in the comments. 

Follow me on Twitter @RantingIndian for daily 140 character rants.

#WTF Ranting Indian Series 5 - #President

It seems like its been ages since I wrote anything. Not been busy as such, just nothing to rant while our beloved nation #India wades through a whirlpool of turmoils, scams and upheavals. I could have written about those but then there is so much of shit happening, I got bummed out. I felt too lazy. Then there is twitter. Twitter has been killing my urges to write long posts. I feel like one of those guys who keeps on passing small short equidistant silent odorless farts every now and then instead of bottling up and ejecting one big bang long smelly loud cathartic fart that people would notice with either awe or disgust. Enough of the fart jokes.

#WTF is with the presidential candidate selection problems man. Too much hulla-boo has been made over this. No one had problems allocating 2G spectrum or coal blocks and decisions were taken and natural resources squandered off at an awe inspiring speed. But now that it comes to choosing #President, every one is hush hush and can't come to a conclusion ?

So, Kaun Banega President ?

Whoever becomes the #President, It seems that the real attributes that decide making a #President have been washed out in the coalition politics and a this rat race has become a mere ceremonial coronation of a puppet.

What the Fuck man. The Country has gone bollocks! 

#WTF Ranting Indian Series 4

What the fuck I have against baggage carousels anyways. Every time I fly, my bags come out the last. I even deny airplane food in anticipation that they will make up some where else for the loss. But no. I have tried with weird looking metro sexy pink bags as well, but, in vain. But, I have heard from many people that their bags, too, arrive at last. This technically means that most bags arrive at last. How the hell is this even possible? That’s a rhetorical question anyways. One time, my bag came so late that even the conveyor system and the baggage staff started cursing me for labour exploitation. I have decided to check in at the last minute so that logical system of last in first out makes sense. Obviously it made sense when I was in school and college. I tried this once and the baggage arrived last again. I can’t even shout in angst because then the CBI probes you, they say. Last thing one needs for late arrival of bags is colonoscopy.

What the fuck do I have against shower faucets man. I am furious with those. Especially in summer seasons when one is in dire need of the faucet. Everywhere that I go the bloody shower works very queerly. Apparently, most of the showers I bathe in have their centre hollows malfunctioning and side holes perfectly working. This apparently means that when you exactly stand below the shower the waters falls everywhere except on you. Even my towel generally gets a nice bath but me. Speaking of shower faucets with empty centre reminds me of a newly elected politician in Lok sabha. Like say Murali Deora’s son…

What? I have to name him now? I can’t be snobbish for once like the south Bombay-ites. Heck, Navi Mumbai-ites can be so snobbish that they get their Rs.15000.00 worth of medical bills delivered at their door steps by local drug stores. See.

Why the hell do we have to pay taxes any ways. I pay customs duties, I pay excise duties on products, service taxes, VAT and what not and in the end I also end up paying income tax. Not fair at all. I even forward the weird mail that circulates with tax data to all the people in my mailing list when I get such mail. I have done so three times till now.

Since I was travelling and was in dire need of ranting, I will keep it short and bitter for now. More ranting against the general evil world will follow soon.

For short 140 char rants, follow me, @rantingindian , on twitter.

Hasta La Victoria Siempre (Until the everlasting Victory)

First things first. This post is dedicated to Stay Free India Time to Change and the post has been entered in to #indiblogger #voiceofchange contest run by Stay free India.

The topic for the contest is intriguing. It is: “Stayfree believes that it is time to bring about a positive change in the world around us. Together we can make a difference where it matters the most.

Be the voice of change and tell us what you would want to change around you!”

When “change around us” lingered on in my mind for some time, the first thing came to my mind was Mahatma Ghandhiji. The principle and the principal. I could surely save some money (change) and make positive use of it, but, most importantly, He said, “Be the change you want to see in the World”.

This quote took me back to the time I was travelling in a long distance train some time ago and the guy next to me just removed his shoes and it stank as if some striped polecat had just arrived in to our compartment. Of course my compassionate non violent tourettes went for a toss and I was about to slam his shoes on to his nose but I decided otherwise. What I did was I removed and changed my socks to give a subtle message that he would do the same. To be honest, the thing did not work. I had to tell him politely and then the guy did not speak to me throughout the journey thereafter.

The point I am trying to make here is that sometimes you just can not be the change you want to see in the world. You can’t go on throwing trash in trashcan, while neighbours use the road like a dustbin. You have to stand up and tell them at the threatening expense of scarring the relations. But that does not mean you should not be the change you want to see in the world.

So, What are the things I would like to change around me for a positive outcome.

1. Administration

Be it Railways, Government, private offices, corporate call centres, Insurance offices, Banks or anything. I am sick and tired of running around table to table and IVRS to reach to some one responsible for the goof up and make them accountable for their act and most importantly, get the mistake rectified. Call centres have been a proven disaster with time lags in stimulus (complaint) and response (rectification) being far too much.

I would bring in a one stop shop table solution for problems with number of seats per department. The admin staff should be strictly proportionate to the consumer database and should be accountable to their services rendered. People are paying a price for the product or service and deserve an appropriate return for the same.

2. Healthcare

Friend / Family is dying? Fill out the indemnity form. You have a medical insurance and cashless facility, get accommodated in the first class air conditioned room as the entire general ward is full. What the fuck is wrong here man? Doctors over charge. Make mistakes in operations and charge doubly. Bypass surgeries where only tablets would have sufficed. Hospitals paying ambulances to get trauma patients to their and their clinics alone. The underbelly of healthcare is far more gruesome than the white collar criminal hospitals. The kidney selling doctors. Blood thirsty blood banks and what not.

This needs to change asap. The first step is medical education. If that costs a student 50 Lakh Rupees, you do know where S(he) is going to recover from. You. Secondly, there should be a healthcare act governing all of this. Where crime would be listed as crime and the noble criminals would be penitentiarise-d where they deserve to be. Inflationary bills need to be thoroughly checked and hospitals should be penalized. Not the patients. I would love to change all this to help man kind. We are at least prosperous enough that we have a healthcare, albeit a corrupt, system for us. Africa is in dire need of healthcare. I would definitely see a foreign policy helping them set up a cheap healthcare system for people over there.

3. Education

Education today is one of the biggest money making business and is in thorough corrupt hands. This should change immediately. Secondly at the same time the quality of education is decreasing day by day. The teachers are nothing but frustrated lot who vent their anger upon kids either by de-moralizing them and demeaning them or by beating them. This is creating a vicious cycle for kids. Peer pressure, parents and teachers demoralizing kids, exam tensions, CET / IEEE / CAT / MAT what the fuck not tests and everything and what remains of a child is a trotting robot.

I would change this. Bring in more institutes, bring in more distance learning courses at cheaper rates. Give priority to primary and secondary education and bring in more NGO collaborations to get education to most down trodden people of our society. Bring in more night schools. Branch out education in smaller institutions so as to reach out to more people. Education, after all, is the backbone of any country. One of the biggest worrying cause of inflation is education costs for kids. See everywhere and all the big institutes are owned by even bigger politicians. This should stop and education should be nationalized sector. I would see to it that Education is nationalized. Private institutions would be allowed only under an umbrella act made specifically for junior and senior education at rates fixed by the government. The rates would be subsidized based on income and also on income tax paid by the parents. This would help streamline the education process. Set up psychological support groups for kids to cope with depression, peer pressure, exam pressure etc.

4. Malnutrition

The worst thing a country can do is not provide food for kids. And we are doing worst than the worst. I would like to change that. Change that the mom and the baby gets proper food. See that no child is deprived of growth owing to malnutrition. Stricter rules to be brought in and government officials would be made responsible and accountable for the areas they are assigned. I would like to change

Malnutrition and Education is the most pressing phenomenon around and I would like to see some positive change in these sectors. How to go about it would require another brain stormed blog post. But for now, I would go to the point on record of saying that malnutrition hurts the image of country as children and youth are the future of the country and we should see positive change in these areas.

5. Child Mortality Rates

I would like to see a real positive change in this area. Although India faces population explosion, it is ungodly to know India fares so bad in child mortality rates. Not to mention female foeticide. That is another area I would like to see change in. For the betterment of nation a girl child is equally, or more important.

6. Religion, Casteism and sub-casteism.

World over, God Business has been the most powerful, dirtiest and corrupt business ever. I would like to change that and see the state and religion as two separate entities. If voters do not like it. It is job of the government and the elected representatives to properly guide the people. Educate them on the subject and help decrease the rampant generic beliefs in superstitions that have become a bane of our existence today. I am not an atheist, but a world where such troubles to humans exist is no work of God. It surely is man made.

Religion is Bullshit–George Carlin

I would like to see a positive change in this area. Religion should be associated with faith and not blind fucking faith. A positive change is also required in the areas of sub-casteism. India needs to show it to the world that they are truly egalitarian and whatever is required to be done has to be done to get away from sub-casteism. And believe me, quotas never help. Never did.

7. Power & Corruption

When I asked my wife, mom and dad what they would like to see changed today, they had only one answer, “Politicians”. To be replaced. Totally. The basic idea of democracy was to build up a secular society, wherein, successful, compassionate and empathetic people in various walks of life would come forward and be elected representative of people and work towards betterment of people. Thus, Government for the people, by the people and of the people. This has degenerated to lowest of standards and all we have in politics today are criminals white collar or otherwise.

First thing I would change is to dissolve the entire politician’s-businessmen nexus system and have some disciplinarians take over our country. But power corrupts. A certain mechanism would be put in place where power does not go into their heads and we do not turn in to some sort of anarchy or dictatorship.

Corruption should be dealt with severest of punishments possible to mankind, even death for that matter. This is a positive change I would like to see in our society today.

8. Justice System

Justice delayed is justice denied. The high priests of courts have forgotten this long back with cases running for up and above 10 years on an average. The only positive change I want to see is more courts to settle the cases as fast as possible so that people do not abhor going to court and do not dread at the thought of seeking justice rightfully where they deserve.

While the scales are supposed to be prudent and blind, it seems Indian judiciary is prejudiced and blind to the complainants. This should change with immediate effect.

9. Hindi Films

We get served crap. To be honest. Hindi films today suck. I would love to see some positive change in the industry and #bollywood churning out some meaningful cinema. High headed attitude like that of Akshay Kumar (He said recently, “I do films for money and money alone”) would not help the industry.

10. Myself

When I started, I quoted Gandhi. I still believe in that philosophy. Be the change you would want to see in the world. A thousand mile journey starts with a single step. I have taken that already. Have you? I work as a part of Rotary club of #Panvel, #Navi Mumbai, District 3131, which has adopted a village for betterment of its people and we have also actively been involved in eradicating polio from our beloved nation India.

Whatever comes my way!

This post is dedicated to all the bikers in the world and Castrol Grand Indian Road Trip. And written for @indiblogger contest #bikercode contest. The satire and sarcasms are all intentional and a part of greater plan to invoke traffic sense in to common people and to infuse sense of responsibility while riding a bike. Play on some Steppenwolf's “Born to be wild” now, will you, Jeeves!

I’m an average Indian male and a biker by necessity. I work at a Marine surveying company as a surveyor and have to travel almost daily to various places and carry out loss assessment surveys. I ride like any other average Indian male who rides out of his basic requirement to go to his office, fulfil his passion (work for boss) and job satisfaction (avoiding overcrowded trains). I am not a biker by passion. I am a biker by necessity. Ironically, I don’t own a bullet either, but a Hero Honda “Passion”.

When I am not biking, I am a regular guy doing regular things. But once I put on the head phones, helmet and glares and am on road to destination, I say screw the travel. I don’t look back. I drive in any lane which suits me and where the road is available. The best part is I am not alone in doing so. Many other daily office goers ride the wind like I do, not literally of course.

Our aim, as necessity bikers, is one and only one. Reach on time and reach by whatsoever means. We don’t care about traffic rules, we don’t care about signals, we do not at all care about jay walkers and heck we sure give a tough time to other 4 wheelers and heavy vehicles that attempt to ply on the road. Of course its our right to pass first. That’s the reason they don’t take toll charges from us, remember?

See this video at 1.50 mins afterwards. See how the dude cuts in across the lane. We live that stuff daily and on minute by minute basis. I am a proud biker.

As a biker, that too by destiny and not by choice, I live by certain codes. Reach early, maintain the petrol tank in reserve condition always and to maintain the tyre’s air pressure. Tyres can make or break lives when it comes to biking. So. Its simpler form of Zen and the art of motor cycle maintenance.

I’m not like those pseudo weekend trip making riders, who believe biking is freedom. It is in a sense, until someone infringes upon it by cutting in to your lane illegally, at least. And in India that happens a lot. As an Indian I know the value of freedom. Hence when I ride the road, its total anarchy, baby. And a million other riders tread the road like its anarchy. Heck, if road was the “road to freedom”, we would enslave it and make it work its ass off like our bosses make us.

Long hauls brings out its moments though. A sense of responsibility creeps in automatically because there are bigger vehicles running on the road as well. The dead of the silence and the revving of the engine brings in a trance when the playlist on the i-pod ends. I feel closer to the nature and the road. Like I dwell in the equilibrium state between God’s creation and man made wonders.

The raiding dust upon the glares brings about a sense of realization. Where one comes from and where one will go. I find peace. Emotionally detached from it all yet being a part of it all and enjoying it in a third perspective. Marvelling at people, cars, nature, birds, animals, mountains, greenery. I find myself in heaven. The grotesque carcases of road kills, sadly, brings me back to reality of it all once again. I rev again. Life is like that. Play it hard until its there. You never know what God has in store for you.

So I live by my life like I live by on the road. Every day I turn the ignition on, heat up the engine, Rev it to reach to my destination. The road gone by remains in memories for later reminiscing. I live my life by distance tread per time and enjoy the journey. Fuck it. No Regrets man.

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Your Vote Counts.

 You coronation in Encyclopaedia of Stupid awaits if you believe the title of this post. The great baboonery that Electronic Voting Machines are, too, believe that your precious little gift to democracy is vain. The dark spot on your finger that is alleged conclusive evidence of you engaging in this menial act too metaphorically symbolizes your actions that are nothing but, sadly, a dark spot alone and mean nothing to the power rangers that the forces controlling this nation be. 

You buoyantly loathe the actions of your elected representative and mock them sarcastically on #twitter and #Facebook and various other social media and misguidedly believe that, that is considered as your sole meaningful contribution to society. You do not believe your elected representative’s manifestos and their assurances. True that is and one should not believe either.On the contrary at the same time you do believe them when they say, “Please Vote, your vote matters”. 

Your vote matters as much as the oil in the deep recesses of the Indian Ocean where mankind can only think of reaching. At 40% of voting in a learned country like ours, poll booth seems to be much akin to the very same oil. 

It sincerely does not matter if you have voted or not and whether you should be entitled to an opinion upon the sorry state that our country is in or upon the people who run such a country. You are made to believe. Its like a matrix without the option of Red pill. Ha Ha. 

So why bother. Live life king size and run after one commodity that will ensure that you can punch someone in the face and get away with it. Snort coke and get away with it. Kill a buck and get away with it. Big Bucks. Money. Vitamin M. Yes. Find new ways to make money and your world will be a different story altogether. 

So, what are you waiting for, like my post as your VOTE MATTERS. 

*This is an attempt on picking up a different writing style*

I rant in spurts on twitter @rantingindian

#WTF Ranting Series 3

In Hindi there is a term called “drushta Neta” literally meaning “visionary leader”. Ironically, the definition now means, “Neta jisne apne ku-karmo ki kalikh apne career par lagai hai aur jise ab aam admi ki nazar nahi lagti”. If you are an international reader of my blog you would not understand one bit of that statement and if you are from Americas, you simply would not understand irony. The above translated in English means: A leader who has blackened his career graph with his own corrupt deeds and is immune to public outcry.

Elections come and elections go and what remains are the freaking posters. Literal meaning of these posters has been given below to better understand how common man interprets this visual pollution.

Celebrating a politician’s birthday was considered vile enough. But, they overkilled it with Dogs actually. Now Imagine this poster to be a politician’s celebration. The biggest chutiya hogs the limelight in the poster and is usually the subject of the poster and smaller chutiyas are assorted across the poster to boost their little Egos and to proclaim their arrival in chutiyagiri.

It cuts across parties and has a very natural human feel to it. That is their little democratic circle if secular – for the chutiya by the chutiya of the chutiya.

Ok there have been enough expletives to fill an entire Rodies form now. So I need to stop. But you do get the point of the post right. Please stop this visual pollution.

To all the political parties who print and post such posters : Screw You.

The #SlapGate. SRK Vs. Shrish Kunder

 

Yes. Today’s rant is about famous Bollywood personalities slapping away each other to fame.

The shoe throwing in Iraq created a domino effect and every tom dick and harry worth their flip-flops were throwing shoes at politicians. But shoe throwing was soon to become a stereotype. People got so used to throwing shoes that at some point in time, Mayawati decided to have shoes thrown at her by a number of people and got a special plane from Mumbai flown in to U.P full of shoes. People were throwing in pairs and she would soon have a wardrobe full.

Its rare to see a politician throw his own chair, instead he chooses another one!

Then came the random spurts of chair throwing, bickering, kick boxing and what not among politicians. They contemplated a whole sports bill for the same. But, BCCI wanted to stay out of it. Bats, ball and stumps can make a mess out of a house of commons or lords for that matter.

Gen next pepsi / coke drinking young enthusiastic politically active common youth decided to innovate politician insulting phenomenon and decided to use the psychology of touch. SLAPS. That was the best way to get close to a politician and get in to lime light too. Ala Rakhi sawant way.

A hero was born!

Why this kaanke neeche Di?

So something new was in town and everyone wanted a piece of the pie. Slapping was the in thing. Remember sometime back film stars getting caught by customs at Mumbai airport was the in thing? This was the latest entrant in the world of politics. But power and glamour industries work hand in hand they say.

The king khan SRK slapped shirish kunder, husband of his ex-good friend Farah Khan and a close confidante of his once friend now turned fiend Salman Khan.

How can he slap me!

So, why did SRK really hit Shrish Kunder?

1. Shirish literally asked khan, “Tees Maar, Khan” ?

2. Shirish cracked 500 G.one Ra.One jokes.

3. Shirish asked SRK to be his chammak challo!

4. SRK thought what the hell, its Shirish anyways. A soft target.

5. SRK was upset that an imbecile shares his alphabets as name S.R.K / S.K

Whatever the reasons. SRK’s actions will have no reactions whatsoever because TOI have reported that Shrish was stalking SRK from the moment he entered the party. As if Shrish had no better things to do in a freakin party. Well, bollywood stars their flip-flops and the slaps. who can tell what really goes on. All we can do is have a laugh or two.

WTF Ranting Series - 2

 

I am going to dissect the topic “Love” today. WTF is with people and over hype with love these days any way. I dedicate this post to the coming valentine’s day. Boss, what’s up with the over mushiness of people around on that day. Besides, what’s with the “public display of affection”? The name itself sounds like a freakin promotional event in an over crowded shopping mall’s lobby. You love holding hands so much, join congress or something. Why make bachelors jealous of an awesome looking chick holding hands with a schmuck. Have you noticed most of the times the coolest of the chicks are with the idiot-est of the guys. I think the logic behind that is marketing. If you put a kashmiri apple besides coking coke, the apple looks more tempting. And looking at the skewed sex ratio these days, chances of guy ending up looking at other schmucks holding hands is much more than Anna Hazare becoming president, which, of course, neither has any intention of becoming!

people are celebrating way too much of love for way too much of things these days. Valentine’s, mother’s, father’s, friend’s, labor's, state’s, country’s and what not. Soon there will be a day when people will celebrate “No Day”. i.e. on that day there will be whatsoever no reason to love and then they will love and celebrate such a day too. Why this over importance to Love?

MARKETING! That’s it. Love is marketing, or is being marketed like the larvae feed. Voraciously. But then, if you are an MBA and love marketing, it becomes a little puzzling. Because then, you are just marketing marketing. Or maybe, love love. Whatever. Who loves love anyways?

So basically, market tells you to profusely or rather expensively parade love for something or someone for a day by spending money on them – buy gifts, go eat out, shop in malls and what not. For all those things there is  a - MasterCard, when you are left with debts, try Ambuja cement. Us Cement may Jaan hai! Speaking of Jaan, If John Abraham travelled to U.P and he fell fatally ill, would the doctor say, “Jaan ki Jaan khatrey mey hai?” I need to stop now #okamgoing jokes.

Then what is to be done for the rest of the days with the loved ones? stop loving them or move on with life as usual prior the the precious “day”? You know the answer to that.

Speaking of love, I could not help brining in the topic of love for God. WHAT THE FUCK IS WITH PEOPLE? Now you suckers are branding gods? Dagdu sheth, lalbaug cha raja, siddhivinayak etc etc? That’s crazy. I pray to the same ganesha in small temple near our house. Heck, I pray to god in my house. Does he give me, then, some less ashirwaad? No.

Religion, marketing and love make a lethal combo and you need to keep safe distance from them like you do with police people and politicians.

The truth is you can love a stone idol and be assured that it won’t betray you. But temple managers, love marketers ? I better stay away from them. For love is being mindful of things and people around you. love is in small joys and not Kodak moments. love is in the air, but, so is carbon monoxide. Let us understand to differentiate and live happily and peacefully. 

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