Revving into Madness

Fridays are usually utilized, in office, planning the weekend parties. However, life is not so hunky dory on other weekdays, wherein, we have to put in some productive time for the company, daily. Now productivity is an obstacle as huge as the late Anna Nicole Smith’s – Life; for guys and girls, who have to commute up to 15/20 kms (one way) daily, on their bikes / in their cars in a city like Pune.

To ride/drive in Pune is not only exhausting, but is a kind of torture that not even the fascist inventors of concentration camps or the communist inventors of labor camps could have imagined.

They say, ‘Man usually tries to find order in chaos,’ we try to make way in it. And God bless the traffic wardens of our city. I used to actually buy cigarettes but now I get ample amounts of carbon monoxide free for inhaling and enjoying the bliss of smoking 20 cigarettes a day in just an hour’s time. The best part is that you don’t even have to blow the smoke out. Everything including the toxic gases exhausted is completely inhaled, totally corroding the respiratory system up, Government’s innovative way of keeping pollution under control.

Daily, I start an hour beforehand for office. 30 minutes to ideally reach the office and 30 minutes for traffic signals, bickering with other commuters, negotiating with police wardens (if your number plates are of outside Maharashtra, you have had it!) and teaching the rickshaw wallahs a thing or two about road discipline.

If you want to survive on Pune streets, you have to learn a thing or two about how the traffic and the people, who create it, function. The first lesson is to apply Newton’s third law of motion, ‘every action has an equal and opposite reaction.’ Two types of gesticulations are salient features of each and every minor accident (when people bang each other near traffic signals at speed of 5KM/HR, or at crossings and circles etc). The outward palm, meekly mouth, wide grinned ‘SORRY’ and the inward palm, snarling faced ‘WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING’ gestures.

If you are at fault, do the ‘Sorry’ gesture because the other party has already shown you the latter, ‘the cultured middle finger action’ and vice a versa.

Now the positive part about riding in Pune is that there is no dearth of beautiful girls riding around wearing multicolored terrorist masks. While going to office, you have no scope of seeing who the chick is, in the morning (they wear glares too). But while coming back, you can fall in love at first sight for ample number of times. So many eye-tems to choose from, hee hee!

Extreme concentration and caution is necessary while driving though. Some times the signals are hidden and if you mistakenly jump them, quite possibly the traffic warden is hidden somewhere. In such a scenario you quickly have to hide your wallet and use the ‘Sorry’ gesture again. However, if you are from the city itself and have been riding for couple of years then no need to worry, most of Pune population considers signals are randomly flickering assortment of lights, which would have served a better purpose in discos and pubs than on streets. Jumping signals, like freedom, is their birth right. No disrespect meant to the great freedom fighter here.

You also need to be an expert in urgent or emergency braking, including optimum use of hand brakes (for cars only). There are adventure freaks and adrenaline junkies in abundance in Pune who would gesture you the stop sign, in the middle of the road, as they jay walk. However I sympathize with the jay walkers, as almost 40 % of the vehicles stop at the signals, past the Zebra crossings. The rest 60% are busy jumping the signals and the jay walkers. Such is their (jay walker’s) dilemma and skill that they could give tough competition to the suicide-ing Vidharbha cotton farmers and Russian trapeze artists. After it’s a life and debt, err, death situation.

Now if you can’t handle all this, think twice before relocating to Pune. But if you can drive with such haste and hurry as if you have been suffering from irritable bowel syndrome, Welcome to Pune, no place like it on Earth. BTW, I loved every day of my stay in the city, that’s 4 years altogether. And I am not trying to be diplomatic. Just being Pune-kar.

Memories Remain.

I have lived my entire life on the edge, of course with the seatbelts on. In such an impulsive and reckless search of myself, I left my home and came to a different city (Pune) to work and know myself.

I got a job in a BPO, and thus began my journey in April 2007.

In the last one year that I have worked here, I was about to find myself but these rotating shifts, crush over a lady colleague in the office taught me to be patient, rather, a Heart patient. Use your metaphorical sense, backed by knowledge gained from countless bollywood movies and voila!

Then came the biggest twist in my life; Boss there is always a twist, that even my allegedly strong self could not deal with. I came to terms with my past and present and realized my virtues and vices. I decided that these traits of mine should be etched in my heart and on my body forever. I got a tattoo of dragon and unicorn fighting - the dragon losing, done. Both animals symbolized opposite qualities that all humans possess except for one of our managers who is still a Neanderthal man. We hope that our good characteristics always overpower our bad ones to evolve us into better human beings. In this sense, my manager has a lot of work to do; not in the office though! Remember the adage ‘Cream riseth to the top,’ well, sometimes, scum does too.

Some advantages of working in an unknown city is, since you live alone, you get to meet new people, mate with new girls (read Ha ha, yeah right) but the icing on the cake is you make friends who just be there for you: in good and bad times. I met three such friends who guided me to a positive path in life upon which I shall tread for my remaining days.

I met Miss Moturam (name changed considering her eating habits, her weight gain stats and to protect her identity) some 6 months ago when she was playing cricket with stress buster ball, in the office. The most jovial person I ever met. She has all the qualities of an angry young Indian woman; angry, because she always stood up to our Neanderthal manager, when nobody else would. She is extremely innocent, pure at heart, beautiful and has a boyfriend! Her zest always made the workplace lively. Through her eyes, the world looked different, not because she applied kohl, but, she had a very caring and gentle approach in life. This sometimes hurt her. And now, I have, by saying some mean things about her. Her ‘Gyan’ on life, sometimes boring but significant nonetheless, will always remain close to my heart. I will always thank her for being there for me. Rather, like she would have said, ‘Shukriya.’ Keep Pune police always on toes. Dress to kill.

I met Misses Dhapan (in Marathi, Dhapan means spectacles. Again name changed considering her foresight, err, farsightedness and to protect her identity) in cab to office some 8 months ago. Thence began our journey of brotherhood. She is a tomboy whom I consider a bro rather than a sis. Despite being a tomboy, she is immensely emotional and a tender human being. She would cry me a river, but in installments (small outbursts every few days). She took my care as not just a sis or mom would, but like a granny would. She behaved like one sometimes as well. She is married and has the cutest baby girl one has ever seen. She still looks like a 20 year old though. Sincerely, Now that I have left the job, she is the one person I miss the most including her crazy antics whilst driving. Hope to see you smiling, always.

I met the Nawab of Anand Nagar (again name changed considering his attitude and to protect my neck) countless times in the recreation room of our office. Only one line to describe him, ‘Master of All, jack of none.’ The brotherhood increased manifold further to countless beer binges that we invoked, resulting sometimes in laugh riots or in debates. Often, his arguments proving stronger; the guy is an epitome of genuine friendship. He is a prudent advisor with a sense of humor to reckon with, of course, not as cool as mine though. His love for life and people preceded his own self and that sometimes made him vulnerable. He thus never removed that mask of attitude he wore. Live life King Size Bro, the way you always have.

These three people’s teachings and preaching have made me wiser, an understanding human being. The basic dual nature of life: Live and Love unfolded before me and new dimensions of hope and faith are now engraved in my Heart. Memories of times spent together, moments cherished; will remain with me, forever. The ending like always was tearfull but joyous nonetheless.


Not(e) by the Author:
This is a work of fiction by someone weighing 80 Kgs of pure fats and having myopic vision. Any resemblance to people alive or incidents is either purely co-incidental, or probably, stemmed from my various split personalities. Any resemblance to people dead is to be pardoned. I see Dead people too (My place in pune was totally haunted).