Annihilate Me. My ignorance is contagious.

Shree Ganeshay Namah.

Now half of the junta – bearing exactly one half IQ points allegedly possessed by the other half – the average Joes, believe God lives in, say, the Malabar Hills of the Heaven and he can only be reached by following a code of conduct and procedures as prescribed in books that are actually cheaper than the other books, which again prescribes ways to reach god. They too have strict code of conduct and procedures. What is this man? Federal Law…made with good intentions, scarcely implemented and randomly followed?

Now I, self proclaimed torch bearer of truth, as and when it suits me, possessing argumentative skills with which I have obliterated lots of lesser mortals, or, with thick and heavy reference books, rioting and strikes if they don’t concede with my view points decided to enquire God with my knowledge about his existence and basis of this society.

Since God and demigod parliamentarians were busy with external affairs (fighting the demons from neighboring lands) since late November 2008, in vain – I decided to use the auspicious occasion of Ganesh chaturthi, or, shukla chaturthi in the month of Magh (it’s the 4^th day, 11^th month in Hindu lunar calendar – 23^rd August 2009) as a befitting date to start upon my quest and chose Lord Ganesha, God of Arts and Science and destroyer of evil and obstacles, to question.

Finding oneself without GPS these days is an arduous task, let alone finding God. But some pious souls informed that I should follow the code of conduct and standard procedures and I would find him approximately after 12 years. While their delusions baffled me, I left the little meerkats to squirm about in their guarded habitats. I was on a worldly quest and I chose an easier way – I raved and ranted ala Bruce Almighty style for a couple of days, and voila.

On 5^th day as I looked to the east, when the sun rises (I have shamelessly copied this from LOTR) I saw a golden plane like thing descending with speed of light; well technically I did not see it – I just thought I saw it. It was the distorted sunrays and my sleepy eyes that produced this wondrous imagery. God landed in a single engine Cessna, his co-pilot was a mouse. Not the one you squiggle around on your computer; a real one. It was an enlightening experience at that moment.

But, what I saw bemused me to no extent. God came from the plane in a Black Suit and neatly double knotted navy blue textured tie. And this is what transpired:

Me: I offer my humble prayers to you God.

God: Apologies accepted. What bothers you insignificant one?

Me: Before I begin, can you tell me why you are in a black suit, instead of a white one?

God: Ahh, keen observation. I am breaking away from stereotypes, besides; white is tainted by mortal politicians now. Now shoot off.

Dear God, to be honest, I am pissed of with this counter culture that is taking your teachings and our morals by horns. Like a Yama’s bull, it can not be tamed (Yama is like the Grim Reaper of Hindu mythology). They do not even know that it’s your birthday that we celebrate in between Ganesh chaturthi and Ananta Chaturdashi. These imbeciles dance and sing in merriment on the day of your visarjan. They bring shame to our culture and all that Hindusim is.

When I finished talking, God pointed out that my intelligence was astonishing and I was not fit to join any council, even as a janitor. He then went on to say these things:

I’m Nirgun Nirakar, Nirgun meaning without any plurality/group. But, my name is Ganesha means in Sanskrit Gana and esha…that is master of all gunas. And I am Sagun Sakar. I am the duality and I am the Omkara and Lambodara, having the form of Om (same as Amen, Amin, Omega etc) and with a huge potbelly – personifying all that is created from therein. Godess Parvati gave me shape and put life in to me. Lord Shiva beheaded me and his ganas brought an elephant head and reattached to my body and he again put life in to me. Thus I am manifestation of both Shiva and Parvati.

With time and learned think tanks and yogis and maharishis, who have attained ‘dhi’, higher intelligence and realized their souls, which is nothing but one shared by all – it is the energy that is in equilibrium with all the energy that there is; have evolved the culture and understanding of this ‘dhi’, in various ways and all these ways lead to me. I am also the sagun sakar. Like the Sun light and the rays when passed through the prism. I am.

And it’s not my birthday that is technically celebrated. It’s my taking a form or a shape, when I come in this world and your life to remove all the obstacles. MY immersion and visarjan is thus me again becoming the Nirgun Nirakar, shapeless, formless again. You should rejoice and be merry for your obstacles will be removed when you pray to me and put in efforts. It also is a metaphor for Life cycle that everything in this world has to go through. All things that take shape must become shapeless and formless again. That is the chakra of life and death. Acceptance and understanding of this and living life to the fullest is the meaning of this merriment.

But, does that mean that you should consume madira (alcohol) and brust firecrackers and pollute all that I have created for you to marvel upon? You should refrain from doing this.

I interrupted God to ask, “Can we drink on weekends”?

God was clearly displeased with my foolish remark. God said, “I talk about the festival and logic attached to the myth, you moron”. He continued again:

I also understand that you have started making idols of Plaster of Paris and are using toxic paints. Although I am Nirgun Nirakar, it pains me to see nature being abused and see the desecrated forms of my idols in such manner; by one of the most intelligent mammals in such way and putting all other species in danger of extinction. If you do not understand the meaning of coexisting and respecting all life form, there is no difference between you and Krodhasur, whom I have defeated. You better not celebrate if you can not respect.

Keep it clean, keep it healthy and respectful.

I felt like a fool as I was being one. I requested God to annihilate me before my ignorance spreads to other like minded ‘know it all’ lemurs. He plainly asked me to destroy that veil and think for myself. I am going to do that hereafter. May this year be that year? May this be the single step to the thousand mile journey, or more, may this be the first year of those 12 years that one requires minimum to gain a thorough expertise in their respective fields.

Disclaimer:

This is a work of fiction and loaded with nothing but sarcasms and ironies to get us better understanding of ourselves, and not to hurt (y)our religious sentiments. Your caustic remarks, if any, towards my post are most welcome. But, if my post and sarcasms beat you to your IQ points, you are better off understanding the meaning of QWERTY keyboard and try and reassemble them alphabetically. Your life’s purpose might be served. Spare my blog of your presence.

References (Do check em out, if you wish to learn more):

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ganesha

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ganesh_Chaturthi

http://www.hindu-blog.com/2008/08/ganesh-visarjan-lord-ganesha-immersion.html

http://ganpatipule.net/legends_of_shreeganesh.htm

The Mother of All Shows - This is how we bitchslap you.

Television is going through a revolutionary phase these days. Bigger and better than Che Guevara or the hippie movement ever was. This has stemmed from redundancy and lack of fresh material from the makers of Saas Bahu dramas. I mean once you have shown 9 generations of women viz Saas, bahu, Ma, Dadi Ma, Dadi ma Saas (here I run out of vocabulary to name the other generations in the family tree) and each’s husband dying once, resurrecting and returning to plastic surgeries replacing faces and bodies to symbolically healing dying people with magical powers – one is seriously left out of options.

Like the civil disputes over properties that run up to 30 years, or, like politicians whose careers after the age of 60 run for 30 years; soap operas and their script writers have dejectedly died trying to find that ‘twist’ and their heirs coming up with innovative ideas yelling ‘eureka’ in Nirmal Shouchalayas (Public toilets) across country. No wonder the serials are shit. Or, full or it.

And one fine day, India was presented with “Reality Television”. People loved it. The shows were interactive, giving out oodles of money to common men and women. I personally dislike this new phrase ‘Mango people’ used for ‘Aam Admi’. What standards is the film industry falling to with such poor jokes – I thought it was my forte. Next, they will make fun of constitution of India’s preamble “We the Banayan of India” (People in English = Banayan tree in Hindi). Like my friend would say – its pathetic man.

Well, now that you have gotten my point – Reality television exploded on to Indian homes like a bomb does in Indian cities from time to time. It had a viewer psyche altering effect. Of course none of the Indian reality shows, except for MTV Roadies, are original ideas stemming from the brilliant minds that only choose to either become Doctors, Engineers, Scientists, or, Call centre Executives...did I forget software engineers?

But heck, TRPs for most of these shows were rising exponentially. Kaun banega Crorepati, Indian Idol, Big Boss, MTV Bakra etc. The latest one is Iss jungle se mujhe bachao though these are rip-offs from the reality T.V shows of the west, they were and still are unconditionally loved nonetheless – probably for they portray hidden fantasies of most of the Junta: quick bucks and hot chicks.

So we at Indian PJBoy Productions have decided to create a new reality show that will devour TRPs at a rate Indians reproduce (which clearly is beyond exponential), heck, the magnanimity of this show lies in its tagline itself: Recreation, Reproduction, Reruns. It’s like the perfect titration (for science students only) – a rare occurrence.

Now that you understand how huge this show is / will be lets look at some of the salient features, i.e How the show will lift you to higher levels of consciousness via idiot box medium and what you can expect:

1. How many times have you seen Rakhi Sawant marry a Crorepati who is not smarter than a 5^th grader, is allegedly a Big Boss, a rescued Neanderthal (hee hee) from the Amazonian jungles in a grand wedding ceremony where all are having wardrobe malfunction in permutations and combinations? Zero times, right. And that is the first zero ever invented that we are talking about. Not like the zeroes of today which are lesser in value than the zeroes of the yore.

2. How many times have you seen Mithun Chakraborty jive to Gutar Gutar song after the Gutar Gutar song was released?

3. How many times have you seen Karan Johar inviting Shahrukh Khan for coffee with Karan and them actually having it (if you know what I mean)?

4. How many times have you seen politicians (from various parties) play the game of ‘Musical Chair’, live on television? Okay that you may have seen, but, our show selects music that will be patriotic, democratic, secular and refreshingly new (young) in nature…we also guarantee frail, old, senile, cunning, manipulative, snarling and corrupt politicians. Survival of the fittest – not in physical sense though.

5. How many times have you seen recent Ram Gopal Verma films? No, we don’t intend to show them either.

6. How many times have you seen Ambani Brothers calling to buy LPG cylinders, with the gas in them?

7. How many times have you seen two piece bikini clad hot chicks, who can give Indra’s Apsaras a run for their monies, showering in a waterfall, eating strawberries and then again showering? Wait, that’s just our commercials people…All of you who want to endorse their products, please contact 1800 INDIAN PJBOY (100 lines are open) – and please contact only for product endorsements.

8. How many times have you seen Shekhar Suman dancing and singing and contesting against Siddhu in election from the same constituency, while Siddhu just scares his contestant to death by hysterical table thumping and laughter (he has practiced that in Lok sabha before, remember)?

9. How many times have you seen Beverly Hill’s Slumdog Millionaires, who are the worst hit by speculative realty markets crashing and recession?

10. How many times have you seen, how can she slap me? We will bitch-slap poor participants and ask them to fuck-off, while late current metro sexy idiot retorts, ‘How can you slap her’ exactly after 15 seconds - time it takes to be cognizant of ‘Draw me not with honor and sheath me not until its over’, and we are not talking about ceremonial service swords. Hum. Have we heard that one before?

The last point was just to vent out my frustration at these pathetic Reality T.V game shows that lure people with conniving motives. We intend to do the same.

The name of our show is “Absudities” – Rcreation, Reproduction, Reruns. It’s diverse in functionality, it’s witty and in itself a casualty. So, come one and come all to the history in making, a new dawn in the 21^st of century.

Please Note: Commenting on this post will get you a free slapstick standup comedy session with “How can she slap me” game show hosts, unless, you would want to come to Absurdities. You are most welcome.