I hate love stories too. So, I wanna see dead people too PART II

Before I start off with the travails of our unnamed protagonist ghost of Part I, I will blow sunshine up my own ass. It's required to advertise the blog. Recently I received a comment on my blog post as:

[QUOTE]

Hi, nice blog. I want to share my views which may help many others.Not long ago I believed I had the Premature.........................Rest part of the content cut.


[UNQUOTE]


Its always considered a mark of success when you get spammed. Unless, you start getting thousands such comments and then the government monitors your web history, or, your mail id gets hacked and suddenly people start calling you as to why the fuck are you stuck in Greece in a hotel with no money - but worry not as I just won a lottery of £50000000000.00 and I will send you the required £5000? Till such things occur, spamming may be fun and a status symbol in some ways. It can be equated with uber rich junta of India are not considered big fishes unless they are raided by the income tax people.

So there you go Indian Citizen Ranting is growing manifold and one of my earlier posts (I had deleted the same for some reasons some time ago) have also inspired, unofficially of course, a scene of the upcoming movie Khichadi (see from time 1.00). Enough about that though.

Back to the story: There mourns our protagonist un-named hero ghost seeking solace in the arms of his beloved. While his parents had always taught him Gandhian principles of non-violence and 'change', the world he understood, today, as it is, only respected Gandhi-ji on the principle (amount). He feels betrayed and cheated. And he is in double mind - to lose interest in the principle, that too, as a Gujarati Ghost? Or, to realign the same according to the current market practices. Err.

While the angry young confused American born Desi ghost chooses the latter...let me take you in flashback to his naming ceremony. His Gujarati father Ghost - MoolchandBhai ManikchandBhai Patel, being a difficult name for the foreigners to pronounce rechristens himself as Flint Sky, Indians (Red / Brown does not matter) do get special treatment in America (pun intended).

Flint sky is a proud business man dealing in ghosts' consultancy, 'Tan-Tricks LLc',  located in Jersey city - first they send ghosts to haunt and thereafter send busters to vacate properties of ghosts. Double Profits. And even prouder father since a baby ghost boy has blessed their family with it's arrival. The baby boy is 4 to 5 shades darker than average Indian born ghosts and later turns out to be a southpaw (left handed). Thus the boy is named Ghanshyambhai MoolchandBhai Patel A.K.A Jaguar Paw. Here after refereed to in this story as 'Jaguar Paw'.

While I could have had South Indian (particularly Malayali) ghosts as subject matter of this story, there are two problems:

a) The moment you think anything malayali in a story, the neighbors, friends, enemies, work place and the boss all have to be malayali.  Cause a Malayalam life revolves around nothing but Malayalam. Its like earth revolving and rotating around itself, like a Kerala store. Not good catering to global audience.

b) The story has to be based out of a Middle Eastern country and should end with ghost returning back, to God's own Country(!) and settle down with a huge bungalow and even bigger rubber plantation farm. Not good for producers and/or sales.

After the initiation in to the ghost-hood, Flint Sky asks his son to join the family business. Like all stories, business is in problem. To give him a practical idea of the problem, Flint sky takes Jaguar Paw to walmart, after a thorough recee of the premise, here is what transpires between the two:

Flint Sky: Those people in the mall, what did you see in them?

Jaguar Paw: I do not understand.

Flint Sky: Food. Deep fired food. They were infected by it. Did you see? Fried food is a sickness. It will crawl into the soul of anyone who engages it. It has tainted your peace already.

Jaguar Paw: Pun Pappa, Anu relevannce su che?

Flint Sky: Nothing, if our business runs in to any more trouble, open a franchise of Sub-way or Dunkin donuts.

The principles of change, pioneered by Ghandhiji, are taken up literally by the current residing president of the united states of America. Since there are no jobs around, kids take up camcorders and show up on AXN with how to fight and defeat Ghosts, all real time. This eats into the ghost busting profits of Tan-Tricks LLc.

The young jaguar paw is all pepped up now. He wants to put renewed energy in to the business and make it a flying success. But a Gujarati boy who has not spent a minimum 10 years behind a cash counter in a shop is as undiplomatic as Arundhati Roy. He is God of small Change. Err.

Jaguar Paw keeps pondering upon the problem and voila. His inference is that the solution to the problem lies within the problem itself. Like if you want to make money online you must make other people make money online. What if the ghost busters on AXN do not understand the language of the ghosts? A multiple profit making chance in reverse outsourcing. He decides to test his theory himself and goes on to haunt a Manhattan town house. Incidentally, the realitiy t.v ghost busters come knocking on the door and here is what follows:

Ghostbusters: Where are you? Who are you? Talk to us? Why do you haunt such a beautiful house? Show your self

Jaguar Paw:  Umm...Ok.



After seeing this ghastly form of sorcery, the busters run away and triumphantly, Jaguar paw yells:

Jaguar Paw: I am Jaguar Paw, son of Flint Sky. My Father haunted this urban jungle before me. My name is Jaguar Paw. I am a haunter. This is my urban jungle. And my sons will haunt it with their sons after I am gone.

While the irony behind such tall claims clearly escape his immigrant mind, he rejoices and attempts to happily live, and haunt, ever after. Did I mention that Jaugar Paw also helps foreigner ghosts migrate to India with help of his extended family in Anand (pun intended).

In the background his proud father, flint sky looks upon in awe at this young age management genie(us). Bapu Jeevan safal thai gayu. Akho Dhanda cash ma che ave.


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Diss-Claimer: I claim all the disses above in the post.

I hate love stories too. So, I wanna see dead people! PART 1

I mean, who would not? If one was 40 plus years old, cracked gay jokes at every third dialogue and whose idea of a soul-mate was a twisted pun of Australian slang, one would hate love stories. No doubt.

I am irked since some time for reasons different to paragraph above. I consider my self a horror films guy. And quality horror films being in scarce quantity, like Toor Dal, my irritations have reached a new peak these days. So much so that I decided to create my own horror story. Its a basic fundamental of shopping: If the market does not come to you, you go to the market. Yes. My first horror film script.


Since Sex sells, in India, in equal proportions, or maybe more, to guns selling in Africa, I thought I better start with sex. If you have not seen the film 'Lord of War (a 2005 Nicolas cage film), let me twist the opening sentence here for you a little: "There are over 550 million porn films in worldwide circulation. That's one DVD for every twelve people on the planet. The only question is: How do we arm the other 11? A just question, my liege.

Now the basic plot is simple, let me divert from the topic here a little. I grew up on Hindi ghost movies where 99.99% ghosts became, owing to some unfulfilled desires, notably sex, too much of it or forcing it on someone. To sum up in crude language, ghosts in Hindi films were horny bastards, chancing up on bikini clad over sized ala curves are back heroines. Her only savior being deviant looking ghost-buster (read Tantrik) who usually looked like the one who would tape first before saving. Life was reel hell. And all this from a bunch of guys who had ironical names, Viz: Ram Says', the hell he did.

Now, in my movie, ghosts are teen aged, confused American born frustrated, jobless Desi ghosts. The survey that we did to meaning fully target the multiplex going audience suggested that such would be the most appreciated kinda ghosts in the market and hence. But, there is a twist. These ghosts are not ghosts because of their unlikely, grotesque deaths as in final destination. They were born ghosts. Their immigrant fathers and mothers died (bad selection of a boats/agents probably) before and ghosts conceived ghosts -CUT TO - "An eerie, steamy, foggy, blue background ghost love making follows". First time ever shown on 70 mm screen, HD, 3D. Discovery wanted it first, but, producers decided against it.

Some wondrous cleanly shot family viewing experience moments lift the audience's mood. A pregnant ghost's mood altercations and longings can create some magical comic moments. Like the husband ghost getting down from banyan tree and climbing all the way up a tamarind tree just to....aw. Too mushy. The one cool thing about being ghost and being pregnant is there is no problem in sex determination. No sign language and codes. Transparent, translucent and for all to see and marvel at God's creation, err, maybe inopportune junta who could not afford pearly gates.


Unlike Spartans, the boy was not inspected. There was no apparent need. He could be small, puny, sickly - anything he wanted to be. It, in fact, gave the required brownie points on fear factor. Training would start early and he would be left alone in weirdest of places to haunt - like Kurla Station, not to mention with overly priced American tourist-er bags. All Ghosts come with a baggage, hence. The ghost would suffocate in packed central / western lines and smell like one big bowl of mashed sesame seeds. The boy is not scared, he just wants to get the hell out of those god forsaken trains. The initiation is complete at church-gate, the boy would return a Mumbaikar and just another ghost, back to his people.

The young ghost soon finds out jobs are hard to find and reality television (ghost hunters like shows) were making life hell. The stress to perform at every possible human contact pushes him to the brink of suicide, migration. But, like a flawed system and underpaid BPO/IT staff, it languishes, some times on the bench and otherwise, in training.

Mean while in the background a crest fallen Jim Morrison signs 'The Ghost Song'..."Ooh great creator of being, Grant us one more hour, To perform our art, And perfect our lives." The love of young ghost's life, a beautiful looking witch, who would scare the shit out of any one, consoles him. Love is in the air around the banyan tree and they cajole around it like in the movie Avataar. Only in my  movie, the ghosts do not need the USB connection. Its wireless technology.

TO BE CONTINUED...

Housefull!

If you think that this blog entry refers to my post nuptial jitters then you are wrong. This entry is about Sajid Nadiadwala's movie Housefull! Why is the question? Sajid Khan, the director of the movie, stopped being funny the day Ashutosh Gowariker told him not to make fun at Zee Cine Awards. The only thing funny about the movie was overacting by all the actors. It really made me laugh. While story, as almost all Sajid Nadiadwala's movies, is allegedly copied from here and there.

While I am not bothered about all this trivia, what I find most irritating is the lack of research that Bollywood Film directors do when making scenes. First of all, Indians need not bow in front of Queen of England. She is the Queen of England and not India. This is hilarious because at some points he makes fun of firangs and calls them what not and queen says "Jai Maharashtra" and on the other hand this bowing down. Maybe Sajid Khan was being sarcastic in a manner only his wit could comprehend.

Secondly as an Indian intelligence officer, Arjun Rampal salutes the Queen. A salute is not to the person, but to the commission given by the President of the sovereign state and thus salute is to be reciprocated. Example, if a Pandu Mama salutes a Inspector, the inspector needs to salute back. So what was the need for Arjun Rampal to salute the Queen? But Sajid Khan is far more intelligent than I am and he must have thought all this over a can of laughing gas, eh? Funny.

In the meantime, if you are suffering housefull-ness, a recurring nauseating sick feeling referred to only as traumatic flashbacks of the film viewing experience, I can offer you my condolences. There is no drug for this. You will have to live with it. You may wish to join my group "Housefull Anonymous". We meet every Saturday over beers and cry our hearts out to the ghastly experience that Housefull was.

Mumbai Indians slaughter Deccan Chargers IPL 2010

Mumbai Indians kill deccan chargers totally.

BOOM - BAI!

Since Bomb blasts are as common news these days as ‘where to shop this weekend (?)’, I think ranting about it runs out of steam as quickly as credit limit is touched. But that does not at all, like politicians say, kill the spirits of the ‘city’ and living people. By the way, what is wrong with people these days that understanding sarcasms has become a rare occurrence? Yes I use poisonous words when entire administration fails to curb attacks. Yes I find it despicable to see half the police machinery being utilized to protect ‘Rahul Gandhi baba travelling in local’ or at theatres to protect screening of ‘My name is Khan’, while button happy nincompoops are blowing our freedom of expressions to smithereens.

And yes, I find it idiotic, this ‘aman ki asha’! You want to make peace with people who want aid from America so that they can match India with nuclear weapons? We will have to start a new initiative, ‘Zindagi ki Asha’, if that happens. While situation in their country is worse than that in Sierra Leone and I have not even touched the issue of inflation here; where jihad is devoured like Khari biscuit with chai every morning, evening, night and some more, for those who think that we should not exist owing to our faith, peace can never be talked. It has to be violently imposed upon them. But hey, these are my personal opinions, right? So lay away!

But then again, I have a different agenda to rant about today. I might be a little late in this. But, what the heck! Some time ago, a great fun and frolic festival in Panvel was concluded, rightly named as “Panvel Festival”. However part name of the festival, ‘festival’ had to be changed to ‘Mahotsav’, because politicians thought that it was amoral to the culture that Maharashtrians conform to, which is of course in sync with consuming beastly quantities of intoxicating drinks when ‘Ganapati visarjan’ is in progress and playing flush (teen patti) in the night.

Then again, so many areas in Mumbai are still English that, if one thinks, shudders at the thought of attempting to change into synonymous names, as we can not name everything on ‘Great Shivaji Maharaj’…Cotton Green? Sandhurst Road? Reay Road? King’s Circle? By far, king’s circle in Marathi is the funniest, I tell you. Try it.

Here is an ode to Maharashtra Politics…it’s of course in Marathi, while translation is given below as food for thought:

I am for namesake, I live up to my name (it’s a pun).

I am a son of this great Marathi soil

I earned my fortunes in reclaiming the lands (with the Marathi soil)

I am a ghost of these westerly lands

I am a reaper for immigrants from other lands…This land is MY Land.

I am a rainbow in the clear skies

But I am only green, orange, violet, other colors denied.

I am an upheaval, a political masterpiece

I am a bane for society’s peace

I am an initiative for non development

I have been developed for disinvestment…(Marathi vote bank)

I am a king sans crown, my kingdom without subjects

But I am going to change the government (for name sake)

On whose shoulders, an unwarranted weight I am

Or on Shreemati Yashoda’s lap, Shri Krishna I am

In dividing votes, an expert I am

Or a debt on ‘Matoshree’, I am.

This is my first attempt to integrate web log + video web log. Hope you guys find it amusing and comment and rate my video. I call it Hum-Log…haha. Sorry for that folks.

So Many Little fires - An ode to the Earth!

So many little fires in my eyes,

ashened in the rains, whencefrom, evil pries,

speak ye twinkle, where art thou lost,

bespake the stars, it was a sad demise.

Wildnerness today is in an eerie calm

predators sulk as they sense the storm

rejoice ye creature, why art thou sad,

Bespake the nature, I take an ugly form.

Turning to ocean, a soothing force,

lashing waves sweeping remorse,

rejoice ye fallen, why are thou awake,

Bespake Life, I am on a smothering course.

Mother Earth she is the gravity

withered she yeilds now acridity

rejoice ye humans, why art thou satisfied,

Bespake Trinity (Brahma, Vishnu Mahesh), we now fear calamities.

-------------------------------------------

Earth, she said, 'I want to be cool too.'

I said, 'be what you want to be and sip Bacardi in the summer sun.'

She told me, 'You don't understand the concept at all, right?'

'I do.' 'I have the power, 18 hours a day. And yet, I will switch it off for an hour or whenever you say.'

Maybe someday...United Sates of Amway does understand too.

Reference: Earth Hour

27.03.2010; 8:30 pm to 9:30 pm. Indian Standard Time (that does not mean you can be late by an hour though)!

Pic Designed by: Akshay Gawarikar, Animotion Studios

Poem by: Your's truly

Tagged!

I am being tagged for the first time by a very dear sis Ashwini of Indulge Ashcorner. She makes the best damn cakes in the world and mouth watering-ly delicious.

Here are my answers, Ash.

1. What is your current Obsession?

A. My black jumbo Left F-cut semi acoustic Hobner guitar. I can't part from her these days.

2. What r u wearing today?

A. Army green shorts and vest.

3. Whats for dinner today?

A. Food. Quality and Quantity does not matter for a block of cheddar cheese like me. Lots of food.

4. Whats the last thing u brought?

A. Four 330 ml cans of kingfisher mild. Nisargachi karni ani kingfisher barobar avadti gani :)

5. What are u listening to right now?

A. Aaj sey pehle, aaj sey jyada from movie Chitchor!

6. What do u think of the person who tagged you?

A. Ashwini is a great person to be with. She is delightfully witty and one who you can pour you heart out to. Mother to two great kids and wife to a wonderful guy. All in all 'Sampoorna Stree'

7. If you could have a big house totally paid for, fully furnished anywhere in the world, where would u like it to be?

A. On the virgin beaches of (or around) Konkan, west coast Maharashtra. My would be wife and me, friends and family. Life would be bliss!

8. What are ur must have pieces for summer?

A. Some more shorts and vests!

9. If you could go to anywhere in the world for next hour , where would you go?

A. Ahmedabad, to pick my wifey up and thereafter to luxury cottage in Savanna / Serengati national parks.

10. Which language do u want to learn?

A. There are 14 official languages in India. All of them. But, Urdu really. Love the respect and resonance of the words in that language.

11. What is your favourite quote? I have 2....

A. "Whats not in me is nowhere" - Shri Krishna, Bhagawat Geeta.

"A man is great by deeds, not by birth. " - Chankya

12.Who do u want to meet right now?

A. My wifey and my sis in Canada!

13.What is your favourite colour?

A. Orange / Bhagwa and Navy Blue.

14. Give us 3 styling tips that work for you.

A. 1. Wear what you are comfortable in. Fashion is more about passion about clothing.

2. Accessories, the awesome ones, are a must.

3. Ties, especially in mumbai, make you look like idiots. Avoid them totally.

15. What is your dream job?

A. A script and screen writer, who gets paid. Unlike Bollywood.

16. What is your favourtite magazine?

A. MAD.

17. If u have 100$ now, what would u spend it on?

A. Buy a book that says how to make 100,000 $100. Seriously? Put it in Bank.

18. What do u consider fashion faux pas?

A. Wardrobe slip ups. Nudity is a transparent mind.

19. Who according to u is a most over-rated style icon?

A. Shah Rukh Khan.

20. What kind of hair cut do u prefer?

A. Grass cut.

21. What r u going to do after this?

A. Sleep.

22. What r ur favourite movies?

A. Lots of them...Being john Malkovich, Blow, Saving private ryan, andaaz apna apna, Dev D and many many more.

23. What inspires u?

A. Abhimanyu and Chakra-view.

24. What do your friends call u most commonly?

A. Varun. Don't have a pet name.

25. Would you prefer coffee or tea?

A. Ginger or Masala Tea.

26. What do u do when u r feeling low or depressed?

A. Music and writing sher o shayari.

27. What makes u go wild?

A. Politics and pseudo - secularism.

28. Which other blogs u like visiting?

A. See my, 'What I read List".

29. Favourite Desert / sweet?

A. I don't like sweets, give me missal pav or vada pad anytime and I will eat it, 3/4 at a time.

30. Favourite season?

A. Rains!

31. If I come to ur house now, what would u cook for me?

A. Panch pakvan...

32. Which is the right way to avoid people who purposefully hurt u?

A. Never Avoid. Tell it on their face their actions have hurt you. Still if they poke...Destroy them.

33. What are u affraid of the most?

A. Lonliness.

34. When u looked at urself in the mirror today, what was the first thing you thought?

A. Have to Loose weight!!!!!!!!!

35. What brings smile on ur face instantly?

A. Basket Ball. My would be's songs and her voice.

36. A word that u say a lot?

A. FUCK and other such profanities.

37. When was the last time u did something nice?

A.Ask the blind guy whom I helped cross and he did not want to.

38. What would u do if u were made president of india for one day?

A. Call for Emergency and amend many things which can not be done in a day.

39. Do u know who Master SHIFU is?

A. Couldn't care less. Who the fuck is Shifu? You don't wanna mess with my Kung-Fu!

I am tagging my good friend Aniruddha Phansalkar of http://arfansalkar.blogspot.com/

Is Desh ka aadmi Aam hai!

Is desh ka aadmi aam hai
Niryaat kar uska aaj desh ka naam hai

paimane hai kai chalaktey jam hai
kadr nahi sharab ki, shakkar key bhi kuch dam hai

kehne ko toh kahi raheem aur kahi ram hai
yeh Sartaaj ye aabid fasade-e-kaum key hai

shaukh sey kati us zindagi ko bhi salaam hai
bache hue ab bus kabr ke katbon par naam hai

Ghut ghut kar jiye yahi apna anjaam hai
Zindagi ney liya aisa humse intakaam hai

Picture courtesy

M(other). F($%#$R). Hussain - A Line Crossed!

Now one might wonder why a guy like me, who often indulges in crafting expletive words, is showering such profanities upon a guy who has outlived his age and dotage? While I may sound a bit explicit, I did feel some time ago like a member of flat earth society indulging in calling the dwellers of this geoid: fools, for not understanding the flatness of this planet and conjuring up cock and bull theories about earth being round. Haha! Round are thy empty cranial spaces.

For a moment, I felt frustrated that I could not do anything to contribute in the crusade against a man, who at an expiring age indulged in F.art. I felt like foot-in-the-mouth-Shashi Tharoor for sometime; helpless. And I was about to indulge in fervent tweeting campaign against Mr. M.F.Hussain. Like that really could have changed the way urban India thought about their own culture. Hey, I am no different when it comes to being culturally enlightened. But comparing Kamasutra with nudes of gods and goddesses is foolish beyond diplomacy. Sage Vatsayana would die laughing with this mis-interpretation. Its like relating Islam with terrorism. Now you get it, don't you?

He chickened out of court cases filed against him all across India. Then I thought the guy should die in peace now. Its high time. My prejudices had erupted abruptly, but wait, there was a reason it seemed: the guy is no doubt a master in drawing stuff. I hated my drawing teacher after I failed in elementary drawing exams thrice. No once, but, thrice. That was the limit. Literally.

Keeping my personal bias aside momentarily - I was relieved that this doddering oaf (Hussain M.F) had accepted Qatar's honorary citizen ship and I trusted he would be instrumental in lowering, a tiny little, that country's GDP per capita. Or, would he?

But even at this age, assimilating into a new culture would be extremely painstaking job and here is my guide (reference from here) for Mr. M.F.Hussain - All will be (oil) well:

1. The Bedouin nomads: While you might forget that M.F.Hussain still roams like he is a nomad from the days of yore and his age confirming the same - The quatari government didnot. They saw a glimpse of their ancestors in this gem of the art world...The rags to riches story. Instant connection.

See the stick weilding, well prepared M.F...Too bad the pic does not show his shoeless feet. It's garnishing on the main dish.

2. Camels: God's gift to the Bedouin - Camel's and M.F Hussain go a long way, right from his ...what would an artist do, without his crayons? Instant connection there again. Uber cool!

3. Beneath the Abaya : What fashion-conscious Qatari women wear under their abaya - Now imagination for painter is like schoolbag for children. Even if they don't understand it (its termed abstract then), they are always overburdened with it. There was a reason M.F was known to the glam world, when in his 80s (age; i am talking his age here), Madhuri Fida Hussein. Even at his age, he is pretty imaginative when it comes to fantasizing what lies beneath...a bur-qua / Abaya.

Most other things that M.F is expected to do, whilst embracing his new home country, he will; with poise, eerie panache and to the best of his abilities, knowledge and (dot)age. Until then, so Long, M.F. Die in Qatar. Your epitaph may incorporate, "My name was M.F.Hussain - Could draw almost anything".

One of the foundations of a secular nation (not pseudo - secular) is its citizens live with respect for one another and not hurt each other's cultural and religious beliefs. M.F should have known better and acted accordingly.

Note: This post is ironic while M.F Hussain is a fugitive Indian Artist, who is evading arrest and has accpeted Qatar's honorary citizenship status - just so that he does not die stateless. He is lesser known for his controversial depictions, allegedly art, of Hindu Gods and Goddesses. He is also the subject matter of this blog post and has been conferred by not just Qatar's citizenship, but also with many adjectives that you might enjoy unearthing. No brownie points for finding them though. If you do find this post interesting, you might also find it interesting to watch 'My Name is Khan' on a pirated D.V.D and marvel upon the words, "Can fix almost anything". Fix me a drink please, Jeeves!

Shri Amarnath Movement 4 - Tandava

Maha shivratri and the movement!

Sher-o-Shayari

Dhalte Sooraj ka intezaar karte chahnewalon
Kabhi kadi dhoop mein badalon ki deewangi ko bhi dekho

Kinaron par baith kar kshitij naapne walon
Dard e dilon ki kabhi gehrai bhi dekho

Ishq e anjuman mein khusiyan batorne walon
Samudra tal key moti ki tanhai bhi dekho

Chand ko farishta bananewale pyar karnewalon
Kabhi tut-te tare ki aasman sey narazgi ko bhi dekho.