Vote or Veto!

An old adage goes by, “When you have nothing constructive to do, you blame others (read opposition here).” Well, this election 2009 is a testament of the same age old adage. I woke up on 23.04.2009, in typical Tata Tea Jago Re advert style, had a big cuppa and got dressed in a Jeans and a Tee, all pure white, put on my white shoes (ahh, the election effect) and went near the polling booth.

Here in Maharashtra, things are pretty safe and liberal. We don’t worry about booth capturing or opposing party workers firing guns at each other, while voters die in the crossfire. All such incidences are restricted to verbal abuse. Voters die due to laughing their asses off at the curious demigods that are up on the dais, bombarding their oppositions to smithereens. Bank accounts, scams and what not. All facts are laid open.

So there I was, trying to get my polling booth number and my “voting cluster” number. The data was all electronic, just one search and all my details would be provided within a minute, but alas. The electricity went off. Load Sheding, they said. What a bloody joke, but heck, I will still get Rice at Rs. 3 a kilo and probably no computer at all if Samajwadi Party (Mulayam Singh) comes in majority, they are right in a way, what good is a computer when you do not have any electricity. But, one tech savvy girl opened her laptop and gave me the details. I was on my way to cast my vote.

The approach road must be a kilometer long (up to polling booth) and I think that is the longest walk, on a pot-holed road - The hands that Hol(e)d us, I have taken in past five years. Life I felt was similar to casting a vote. You made your choices based on available facts and stuck with them, five years at a time I guess in this case. Anti incumbency is thus your shift from a choice to another one. 

I kept thinking not a single politician this time talked about Sadak, Pani, Bijli, Development, Infrastructure, Rescession, Equity bourse crisis, Terrorism, Pakistan, Proxy wars, wage goods, Train bombings, Fidayeen attacks, economy meltdown and steps to curb it. Instead, ugly potshots were made at each other and all became a laughing stock, or were we fooled? And for the next five years we would be the laughing stock?

The media played a pivotal role in this election. They completely diverted from the orthodox role of presenting plain facts, without prejudice; to totally writing biased articles and favoring their sponsor parties; all being an utter farce and a pseudo liberal and pseudo secular attempt.

While the politicians of the days of yore instilled Nationalist feelings in masses, the joke for a coalition, mainly, third front & fourth front kept saying that all will sit on table, once the results are out and decide who the best candidate for Prime Minister-ship would be : that boat is surely sinking. Politics of convenience, they say. It’s a politician eat politician world it seems.

While MunnaBhai MBBS series were good movies, the TADA acquitted turned politician was totally a joke. Sanjay Dutt said that police beat him for 3.5 years because his mother was a Moslem! No Dude, they beat you because you were hiding an illegal firearm that can kill 30 people in a jiffy. They call it AK-47. But of course he was carrying it to protect his family, from the Russians.

We saw A.R Rahman getting Oscar for not that cool a song (he has made some brilliant numbers in the past) and Ze Congress picked that song as their campaign starter. ‘Jai Ho’. BJP saw the irony in all of it and made a parody – ‘Bhay Ho…phir bhi Jay Ho’. Shiv Sena retaliated as well with their very own regional hit, ‘Kai Ho’.  I kept feeling this whole concept of alliances among various parties inculcates a party jumping baboon brigade. And such baboons are rising in numbers. People in Himachal Pradesh think they (le baboons - its french) are becoming a menace and Govt. should put a leash on them.

By the time this thought had come to me, I was smiling to myself and had reached the voting booth. The queue was very small. Only couple of people ahead of me; apparently the voter turnout in Maharashtra (except Bombay/ New Bombay areas) was good in phase II polls. 55%. The dude put on the ink on my finger and I stood behind that wooden board covered bench.

I felt powerful for brief moment of time. In a sinister way, it resembled what Spiderman said, “With great power comes great responsibility”. I knew just voting would not change the system in a very productive way and It would take a little more efforts, on each individual to do their part and create that required thrust, a change would then be inevitable.

I pushed the button. Heck, at least that was a start. I cast my vote. The question is, Will you?

Shoe-Kran!

Conceived by the bulimic and anorexic pioneers of the first world fashion industry and forged in remotest places of alleged third world countries like China and Bangladesh by Children and poor of all ages, a product was mass produced to satiate the needs of brand conscious crowds, who wanted the product as office wear, casual wear, disco wear, hiking wear, riding wear, trekking wear and wore they did, two at a time. Known to the primitive Indian (the red ones – Apaches, Navajos, Comanche) as moccasins; later came to be known as shoes and sneakers.

The boot was worn and utilized to its optimum use for many applications, most particularly, as a survival technique, when weapons were not around: to kick unsuspecting enemy’s gonads. The Thai people were the earliest to understand these hazards and banned it in their social fighting sessions – kick boxing etc.

The word shoe has different meanings in different languages across the world; English being the obvious one, in Gujarati and Arabic it means ‘What’. In Marathi it means ‘piss’. Ironically the verb form ‘to piss’ or 'pissing' in Marathi is ‘Shoe-kar’, which translates in Hindi as ‘Thanks’. In Arabic, Shoe-kran means Thanks. Got the link? Looking at all these meanings I now actually sympathize with the Iraqi dude who started this world famous sport of “Shoe-t the politician”.

It all started the, biggest communication error ever in the world, in 2004, when America was looking for booty of mass destruction. Late Saddam Hussein kept saying all his country imported was boots, mass produced, for which, they bartered in oil a plenty, ask Wal-Mart, said he. The almighty of America who dwelled in Air Force one would have none of this small talk. He invaded Iraq and captured it, err, liberated it. It was the Tandav for democracy. Killing of the people, by the people, for the people, the next generation would enjoy the dances of democracy thus.
Successful coronation of his (Dubya’s) friend as president of Iraq, in a democratic way of course, was undertaken with much jubilation. Dubya decided to have a press conference thereafter, while most people could not understand what Mr. President was saying, said to be English, one Arab Journo kept asking, “Wallah Shou”? Meaning in English: What? What? Dubya’s IQ beat him to the question and he looked exclaimed and started reading from his speech again. The irritated journo could not take it in more so he decided to ask his question in a more objective form, thus the shoe incident, but, stupid is as stupid does, said Forest Gump. A simple question, ‘What?’ said in an objective format was misunderstood as an act of terrorism. Uncle Sam’s CEO ducked like NEO, he must have always believed he was the one. It was later confirmed by the journo that all he was saying was thank you America actually. Shoe-kran.

The incident has caught like wildfire in India and during elections many people are using this technique of saying thanks to the politicians for doing all the good work in their respective constituencies, with all the high security its impossible to go up to them and say thank you. So people choose to throw shoes, Shoe-Kriya. The shoe is thus manifested towards the politician’s Kriya, as in his actions in his constituency.

Dear Friends, you are all now a better judge of what actions actually mean. Any statistician would affirm the fact that chances of hitting are 50% more when both the shoes are thrown. Its simple law of averages, but no one is doing that right? That means the intention is not to hurt. It’s to say thanks actually. Did you see that the sock was attached to the shoe when it was thrown? Nope right? This further asserts that stinking politics was not motive behind their acts either. Look at the politician’s faces below, they are clearly thankful:

Next time, you don’t even have to throw a shoe at a politician. Not even make an action of doing; all you need to do is thank them for existing, say – Shoe.Kriya, Twice at that. But, then there is a saying in hindi that Latoon key Boot baton sey nahi mantein (Shoes used to kicking do not resort to talking, err, whatever that is).

MTNL DSL internet, Does it work?

This is my complaint letter to MTNL for not rectifying the glitches in my Internet since last 15 days.

Dear Sirs,

Subject – New Panvel / Panvel Ex – Change. Precisely 12.36 % of service…rather, less than that.

A year in Dubai was proof enough, the kind of service that a state owned company can provide to the customers (the sole telephony/Internet providing company called Eitselat is simply excellent). This was the simple reason I opted for MTNL Tri Band - broad band connection, considering they are the best in the business and KNOW their business even though my father, who is from a different generation, was extremely skeptical about me having such high regards for a government owned entity here in India; and rightly so in all its probability.

While the connection lasted it seemed all hunky and dory, especially for a guy like me, who is make some extra money in this mighty recessionary period as a free lance writer and journalist. Work from home was never better before, when Internet was working and job offers were pouring in.

But nature and lack of service (of some) has a way of its own and due to reasons not even the holy trinity (Brahma, Vishnu and Mahesh) – The customer care executives of MTNL could understand or rectify…The Internet stopped working.

While I frantically tried calling and lodged complaints, I was told a variety of reasons from “D-Link router software is being updated” to “There appears to be some problem with your Local Exchange” etc.

I tried to understand what the real meaning for the web based marketing of MTNL actually stand for (I guess the return on investment for a govt. owned entity must be amazing when 125.71 crores is just booked on profits from Income Tax returns) and I have come to some really disturbing conclusion, which are as mentioned below for your kind perusal:

: Of Delhi and Mumbai…

Main features of MTNL Broadband /ADSL Service:

High Speed data Download – subject to availability of Internet.
Simultaneous availability of phone and Internet - On the existing telephone line “Always OFF Internet.

High on Value low on cost – Because our services do not work most of the time. Our profits are growing at 12.36% (service tax amount) every quarter.

Easy Registration – These are the simple abattoir techniques (read marketing) we follow.

Use now pay later – (TRY) using now, you will pay later anyways.

Video on demand etc in future – you will not ask for such high tech value added services, when basic Internet is not working.

Create own LAN network – Internet does not work? Try Local area networks, you can play multi-player solitaire. Its fun.

WHY BROADBAND / ADSL from MTNL:

Faster Connection – dedicated bandwidth:

And by non-connectivity - Kills

duruna Daongar saajaro (Making a mountain out of a mole hill).

Easy Communication: Talk and Surf at the same time.

Customers are cats and mice, devolved from Neanderthals and Darwinian primates that were, who can not meaningfully understand the abbreviation ISP…In the dark service providers.

…as much freedom as Afghanistan Democracy provides…Does it work, by the way?

…Aapke internet connection ko Hamari Bhav Purna Shradhanjali, incredible or what? That’s next generation non functionality…A(ye) DSL anyone?

Dear Sir, it’s been 15 days now that my Internet is not working and I have a hunch that it will not work tomorrow as well. I have been calling incessantly at the MTNL call centers and all the numbers that the people therein have been providing me. At one of the number provided, I was humbly told by the gentleman that ‘He’ did not have any problems with the Phone line or Internet line whatsoever. Apparently it was a wrong number.

It’s a humble request that you help me in getting my Internet connection back as well as deduct prorated amount (50%) from the Bill for non availability of services from the day of complaint (this one constitutes as a written one).

I was further told that this problem is occurring since MTNL exchange is moving from Old Panvel premises to some New Panvel premises and due to shifting of networks.

Its my personal opinion that I should not be subjected to pay for goof ups on behalf of service providers (Exchange) as the consequential losses that I am suffering (due to non availability of Internet, including cyber-café expenses) are of huge magnitude.

Yours truly,

Varun Gawarikar.

Desi Premiere League...Outsourced!

Fake Firangi accent Mike: “Good Afternoon, This is Mike speaking, thank you for calling IPL customer care, how may I help you?”

Me: “Yes, Hi, This is Varun, I wanted to order ‘Mumbai Indians’ memorabilia from your catalogue.”

Chris: “Sorry sir, that offer is open only for U.K and North America and South Africa customers, but, we do have Pink Chaddis and china made Indian political parties’ logos, emblems, banners etc, which you can order; shipping is free, sir.”

Me: “But why is IPL selling all these items?”

Chris: “Oh, consolidating with politics, Sir.”

Me: “Err, I thought it always was.”

Chris: “Now they are openly doing it, Sir.”

Me: “Okay, Can I order a SICKLE and a HAMMER, two HANDS to use them, a CLOCK to time them, a LANTERN and a BICYLCE for no apparent reason. Yes, I also want a LOTUS and an ELEPHANT, why? Consider it Anti incumbency. Thank you.”

Ahh, I hung up the phone and went straight to watching football. Reds, no, the other ones…Liverpool are on a roll. Hence.

News of IPL moving out of India has shocked India, a news that did not just break, it blasted on to all the M.G roads that garnish Indian ethos and practically all the cities.

Fight for freedom and right to exist saw a man coming back from South Africa and revolt against the empire, upon which the sun never set.

The dance of democracy, nay, Nach Mustande, bhag dvitiya…That can be a great name for national politician’s day – Mustan-Day, saw IPL going out and creating revenues for the very same nations. While the election manifestos here will still promise “Sadak, Pani aur Bijli” after elections and cash and liquor before them.

While lotus spake, “IPL going out of India is a national shame,” Hand retorted, “Godhra riots 2002” was a national shame. Nobody dug out 1984 ‘Bluestar’ this time though. Thank God.

The irony of this façade is that IPL teams outsourced players from outside to put up a grand show in India. Now they are outsourcing this entire event outside country. Now that is a bloody joke. INDIAN premiere league hosted outside India, technically, can not be called as Indian. England already has a premiere league.

Madness I say this is. Bigger than what Sparta could ever be…Hua Hua.

Endless Search

A short poem to find that lost love.

Withered trees await the spring,
a hope to move on.


A journey ends not at destination,
a path forlorn.


Spiritless eyes bespeak despair,
love bygone.


charred memories skippered in gale,
an austere oblivion.


moored in perdition by baphomet's horns;
salved by a casket - hell atorn-ed.


fossiled remains hydrocarbonated,
compressed, supressed, reform-ed.


my soul still seeks your delicate presence
writhing in blue flames in an infinite tense.